it just happened that way

Learning to be Selfless

2010-08-31T11:37:00.004+09:00

Alright, alright. You might think writing this blog entry is like beating a dead horse. After all, this story has made its way to friends of friends of friends of, you get the picture. But, in order to truly understand the events of our wedding (and a few weeks after)you have to hear it from the horse's mouth (although I don't like being called a horse). So, here's my life as of late- in a not-so-nutshell:

July 9th had finally come! After 18 months of engagement, it was time to tie the knot with my best friend. My phone rang at 7:41am that Friday morning. I saw that it was Dan and I immediately thought "awe, he's calling me to wish me a happy wedding day!" If only that were the case. I answered and immediately heard panic from Dan's voice. "Sarah, you're not going to like this," he said. "I'm in the emergency room and will be going in for an appendectomy soon. They say that I have to stay the night. " WHAT?!?! I was so confused. I was still waking up and wasn't completely coherent to begin with. But now my groom was telling me that basically we wouldn't be getting married that day. I had Dan repeat himself (just to make sure I heard correctly) and then threw the phone down on the bed, ran out to find my mom and started hyperventilating. One of the bridesmaids staying in my room picked up the phone to figure out what was going on when I came back in. "I'll be there in a minute," I told him.

The girls and I got dressed and my sister drove us all to the hospital (which just happened to be about 2 miles away and about .25 miles down the street from the reception site). I ran in to find Dan's best man, another groomsmen and my dad (I still don't know how he got there before me) waiting for us. I was escorted into Dan's room and started crying all over again. There he was, IV inserted, lying in a hospital gown just 8.5 hours before he was supposed to be marrying me. We both sat in silence for a bit, crying while holding hands. "It'll be ok," I said. But I was lying. I had no idea if it would be ok. I'll admit, I had selfish thoughts that entire morning. I was fighting the inclination to feel sorry for myself while wanting Dan to be ok. I didn't know how to balance all the emotions that were swimming around inside of me.

They wheeled Dan into surgery and we were all moved into the family waiting room. By this time, my mom had arrived along with Dan's parents and a few more groomsmen. We began calling all the other family members and wedding party, keeping them updated and asking for their prayers. I don't remember everything that happened, but I remember being force fed by my friends and trying desperately not to bite my manicured nails.

During Dan's surgery, the supervising nurse came in and began to talk about "options". She said that if the doctor doesn't let him go, we could potentially have the wedding at the hospital. She asked how big the guest list was and started brainstorming various locations on the property. The spiritual adviser caught me in the hall outside of the waiting room and talked to me about the same options. The hospital staff was simply amazing! While getting married in a hospital was the LAST thing I wanted to do that day, not getting married was even more terrifying. So, I made an executive decision. If Dan wasn't allowed to leave, we'd get married outside on the hospital grounds. All that intricate planning and decorating of the church would go to waste, but suddenly that didn't seem to matter. All the little details faded away to nothing. I finally started to give up control and the incessant need to have the "perfect wedding". I just wanted my husband.

Dan made it out of surgery and I was allowed to see him after another hour. He was weak and drugged up but was coherent. "Do you still wanna marry me today?" I asked. "You betcha," he replied. With that, I left him to sleep- not knowing whether or not I'd be getting married at a hospital or the church. It wasn't until 11:30 that we left the hospital to take showers at home. We made it to the church around 12:15 and the rest of my bridesmaids and friends were already there, ready to go. They were all so great, supportive and worked really hard to lighten the mood. It was my wedding day, after all, I should have been smiling!!

We did half my hair and then I headed back to the hospital at 1:30 to see how Dan was doing. I got there to find him dressed and sitting up. They were actually going to discharge him! Inside, I was leaping for joy but was a little worried at the fact that they were letting him leave so early. But, the doctor knows best, right?

I wheeled out my groom at 2:30, just 2 hours before the wedding was set to start. On the way out, the hospital receptionist said, "wow, you seem so calm! how are you doing it?" I thought about it for a second and replied, "you know, everything else doesn't matter in the long run. The little details I was stressing about last night don't matter at all now. I have my guy!" We got to the church and his groomsmen took over. They even washed Dan's hair in the kitchen sink since he didn't get a chance to shower that day. His pants wouldn't fit because of the swelling in his abdomen so a handy safety pin did the trick. I finished getting my hair done, got in my dress and hurried through some preliminary pictures with my girls. All the while, I still had apprehension inside. How does someone shake off the events of that morning? How was I going to calm down and enjoy ever second of the day?

It was finally go time. We were missing a ring bearer and usher but my amazing cousin Kara and coordinator friends Sally and Virginia kept that information carefully hidden from me- I had dealt with enough already. They showed up and we started the wedding a 4:45. Everything went perfectly. Dan was able to stand for the first part of the ceremony and then we sat on a beautiful bench that was found in the women's bathroom- thanks, God! He made it through the ceremony, even though my dad had to cut a bit of his talk after seeing Dan's eyes glaze over a bit- percocet was cutting the pain, but making him a bit sleepy.

We made it through more pictures, including ones on location at very hospital Dan had surgery at (he couldn't travel to the original location because it was too far but this was on the same street as the reception!). Then came the reception- Dan was able to sway back and forth for our first dance and even though he couldn't eat any of the great food or drink anything besides water, he was THERE! It may not have gone as I expected or planned, but that didn't matter. The point was, we were married!

The next day, we traveled to Minnesota where I unloaded our car full of gifts in the rain while Dan helplessly watched. I packed his suitcase for the honeymoon and the next day, we headed to the airport. He sat in uncomfortable pain on the airplane all the way to Boston. Good thing we splurged for the nonstop flight! We got to Boston, took a shuttle to the rental car place and I drove us up to Kennebunkport, Maine. What an amazing place! We were so thankful that we had planned on staying in the States because if we had planned to go to Mexico, there was no way Dan would have made it! We spent 4 relaxing days at a little cottage there, eating tons of crab cakes and enjoying some well deserved down time. Then came Boston...

We arrived in Boston on Thursday afternoon and walked around the city for a little bit. But that night, Dan developed a fever and was in a lot more pain than before. Friday, he was feeling a little better but was unable to walk. So, I borrowed a wheelchair from the hotel and pushed him around the city a bit (which, by the way, wasn't as fun as I thought I would be).

That night, I was woken up at 1am by Dan yelling my name from the bathroom. I ran there to find his incision site seeping fluid. I looked at him and saw his eyes roll back as he slumped to the floor and began to shake. I started panicking (I had never seen anyone pass out like that before!) and I called the front desk for help. They set up security and also called an ambulance. The EMTs came and were able to calm Dan down a bit. They said that the drainage was normal and he had nothing to worry about.

So, we spent our last day in Boston changing Dan's gauze periodically as it filled up with fluid (that's a nicer word than puss...). We got back to Minnesota on Sunday and that Monday, we went to the doctor. Sure enough, he had an infection below the surface of his skin (thanks, Boston EMTs). The surgeon opened Dan's incision back up with a q-tip (apparently that's a sure sign of infection) and drained it a bit. She sent him home with instructions for me on how to change his gauze twice a day (as in, I had to stuff gauze strips into his open wound so that it closed up from the inside out). I spent the rest of the week organizing our house, cooking, cleaning and feeling generally exhausted. Dan was too weak to help and really needed to rest anyway.

After a week of gauze packing, we went back for another check-up. More bad news. The infection was deeper than the doctor initially thought. She said the only way to get rid of it would be to admit him to the hospital and basically redo the entire appendectomy surgery. This time, however, they would be removing bacteria instead of an appendix. He went in for surgery and again, I waited patiently for news. There was a difference this time. This time, I was his wife.

The surgery went well but he was kept in the hospital overnight for observation. So, we spent the 18th night of our marriage in a hospital room- romantic indeed. They discharged him on Tuesday and I had to continue to pack his wound with gauze. This time, the wound was about 2 inches deep and I had to pack about 3 feet of a continuous gauze strip in it twice a day (this was so the skin didn't close up over any bacteria, leading to another infection). I had never even heard of this kind of treatment before! But I soon became an expert. The hole slowly closed from the inside out and on August 10th, two weeks after his final surgery, his hole closed up completely. Now, he's running at about 80%, still taking it easy as his incision site is still tender and developing scar tissue.

These past 7 weeks have brought so many tears, moments of frustration and times of uncertainty. Dan suffered painful physical trials while dealing with the emotional ramifications of not being able to lead his wife or help out with pretty much anything. I spent 7 weeks as an acting nurse to my husband while running a house and trying to combine two separate lives. At one point, I called my mom in tears asking if marriage would ever get better. All I had known of marriage was that it was incredibly hard with barely any perks. My mom replied "you guys have been through more than some couples face in several years worth of marriage," and she reassured me that things would get better.

Well, things have gotten better. These trials have pointed out how selfish I am and how thankful I should be just to be able to spend so much time with Dan, whether or not he's sick or healthy. We've learned to find joy in the little things and not dwell so much on our misfortune. I've had to fight bitterness and anger towards God for allowing all of this to happen to us. But then he reminds me again and again that he will never give me more than I can handle. Apparently, the Lord thought we could handle a lot!

One of the RAs here at Crown illustrated our situation in this great story. She said:

"I hate roller coasters with a passion. But this summer, I went to an amusement park with some friends and the very first thing I did was go on the highest, fastest, most scary roller coaster. After that, all the other rides didn't seem so scary because of what I had already achieved."

I'm not so naive to think that this will be the only trial we face in our marriage- we've been husband and wife for 7 weeks now. But perhaps when those trials come, they won't seem so bad after enduring this one. We've already endured quiet a bit and have only really seen a few days of what marriage can be like when we're both in health. We're learning to embrace the joys of each day, to not stress out about small details (that's more for me) and to consider each others' needs before our own.

It's quite a story, to say the least. But maybe, just maybe, we'll look back and laugh at it all. But one thing's for sure- we've learned more about marriage, the Lord and each other these past 7 months than we ever imagined. For that, we're thankful.

Great Expectations

2009-11-12T09:09:00.002+09:00

Ever since I entered college, I've wanted to be a Resident Director. I moved to South Korea after graduation because that's what the Lord wanted me to do (and it was a great way to still be involved in student development but overseas). After two years there, here I am. I've finally "arrived" as an RD. But what happens when what you've dreamed and prayed about for so long isn't what you expected?

Expected. What a strange word. Why do we as humans generate these typically unfulfillable thoughts in our minds? Why do we set ourselves up for mostly assured disappointment time and time again?

I remember having a meeting with my RA staff my junior year of college. One of the girls posed the question: What do you hope to be doing 5 years from now? "Of course, I want to be an RA at Black Forest Academy in Germany and be working with MKs OR an RD somewhere." Well, I'm one year away from that 5 year mark and I've done close to both. I did the overseas RA thing. I'm doing the RD thing now. But what's strange to me is that I'm not magically content just because I'm doing something I always dreamed of.

Why, you ask? Because I'm finally to a point in my life where I'm not letting myself be defined by what I do. Wow. That was a tough sentence to write. In college, I became the "Res Life, worship leading, gig-playing, poster-child on a Billboard, has is all-together" girl (although my friends knew me as the girl who couldn't say no to anyone and needed to please everyone). I LOVED college. Then, I moved overseas and I was the "crazy one who moved to Korea" (or to my friends in Korea, I labeled myself the "musical one who was dating Dan Gurley". I LOVED Korea. Then, I was plopped down in St. Bonifacius, MN without a single friend in a 300 mile radius and I'm now the "new RD", plain and simple. I don't LOVE it here. What has changed? Why such a disconnect when I'm doing something that I'm called to? (learning that just because the Lord has called you to do something doesn't mean you'll love it is another lesson altogether)

Looking back at my time in Korea, around the middle of September during my first year, I began to hate it. I was feeling pain of community lost (from college friends) and the harsh reality of rebuilding a life for myself. People didn't know me in Korea. They didn't know my talents, passions or story. I was ready to leave. But community started to kick in. I started to really get to know my fellow RAs and discovered a deep sense of belonging that I didn't think I would ever feel after college. When I moved away, a huge piece of my heart was broken as I pried myself from the community I had grown to depend on and love.

It's now November of my first year as an RD at Crown and those pains that were so real to me in the beginning of my time in Korea are even more intense. Because unlike the pains from Korea, these pains haven't subsided. They have only intensified. The harsh reality is that I'm not surrounded by a community that will automatically take the time to get to know me, my talents, my passions, my story. Nobody here knows my fiance. One of my co-workers today just found out I was engaged. I've gone from being known to being unknown and that is a painful transition. A transition that I've experienced before but lasted only a moment. This one, I fear, is a long-haul, spiritual make-over and I'm not sure that I'm ready.

But back to the whole "not being defined by what I do" thing. I have to hand it to the Lord, He knows how to break 'em. And He's breaking me hardcore. All the things in my life that used to define me have been stripped away. Now I have only my career to define me and if that's the case, I just won't survive here. So where does that definition come from? Christ? Well sure, great Sunday school answer, it always comes from Christ but...then I realized. For me, it hasn't come from Christ. I don't even know what finding your identity in Christ looks like. It's such an ambiguous thought. All my life, I've been looking for others to place their definition on me and I've lived through that to the fullest. But now that "others" aren't present in my life, I'm lost. This isn't to say that I go the whole day without talking to anyone, because that's not the case. I have a couple co-workers that I would consider friends and RAs that I oversee but for the most part, once work is over, it's me, my empty apartment and my rattling thoughts. No fiance, no parties, no large group outings...just me.

So, does the fact that I don't know how to find identity in Christ make me a heathen? Well, I'm daring to say "no". I would even be so bold to say that a LOT of Christians don't know what that looks like or how to grasp it. It's more than just speaking the trendy words, reading the latest book or citing Scriptures. It's an intense denial of self so much so that "Christ-follower" becomes the only label that resonates within. If I'm a "Christ-follower" first and foremost, then being a worship-leading, gig-playing, poster-child will look minuscule and insignificant in the grand scheme of things.

I'm not there yet. At the risk of sounding pathetic, I still curl up in bed some nights, weeping in loneliness and brokenness. I am mourning the death of "IWU Sarah" and "Korea Sarah" and struggling to embrace "God's child-Sarah". One who isn't defined by others or jobs- for those are temporal definitions that will lead to a never ending-cycle of self-mourning. But "God's child-Sarah" will never need to be mourned. For while my community, friends and job may change, my status as "God's child" is one of permanence and that's an expectation that can afford to be "great".

In closing, I want to clarify that people need community. It's how God has wired us. I NEED people in my life to encourage me, to uplift me and to just spend time with me (and do the same for them in return). But while that community is temporarily lacking (and I'm trusting the Lord that it is only temporary) I've been able to truly examine myself and uncover issues that I didn't know existed. The absence of community has lent itself to the presence of inner vulnerability. And for that, I am learning to be grateful.

I Left My Heart in South Korea

2009-09-04T08:03:00.003+09:00

I didn't fully realize how hard this would be. Moving back to America was going to be hard enough but moving to a new town and community while adapting to the US has been more difficult than I ever imagined. I'm starting over for the second time in three years and it hasn't gotten any easier. When I was in college, I had automatic community around me. TCIS was the same deal. Being here, there is a community all around me but it's not mine. It's that of 18-year olds who are embarking on their college experience.

This isn't some sob story, I'm a big girl and I'll be ok. But one thing has really surprised me. I miss Korea more and more each day. I've been listening to Korean pop songs, watching Korean tv on youtube and looking at my pictures from the two years I spent there. My heart has a longing to return (for more than just a visit). I miss the food, the people, the culture, the neon signs, the crazy taxi drivers and even the outrageous smells! I know that Dan and I will be living in the States for a while after marriage, but my heart will always long for international living.

For now, I'm in Minnesota doing something that I absolutely love. I feel equipped and called to the ministry of a Resident Director and I look forward to each day. One month in and I'm grateful to be in this place at this time. I anticipate being here for a while, especially once my fiance joins me! Thank you for all your prayers and support!

Minnesota, Here I Come

2009-07-31T10:08:00.003+09:00

The car is loaded, my laundry is almost complete and I'm spending my last night at home by watching So You Think You Can Dance and the Disney channel. Am I ready to embark on a new journey? That depends on what you mean by "ready". I am apprehensive about making friends, finding community, learning the ropes of the job and figuring out how to best ministry. But I'm excited for all those things too. For now, I'm most anxious about the insurmountable task of organizing an apartment filled with two car loads and a Penske truck worth of stuff. The five hour drive to Crown College will be filled with phone calls, music and major processing of the last two years of my life. Two years in Korea, finding my future husband and now moving into a different ministry. I'm still dealing with reverse culture shock and I pray that goes away soon.

Tomorrow is a big day. Not only am I moving to Minnesota, but Dan is going back to Korea. My mind hasn't fully wrapped itself around the fact that I'm NOT going back and once Dan is across the Pacific in my old community with my friends and former students, it will hit me all the more.

This post has been random in every sense of the word. I have put to page all the thoughts floating through my mind and if it doesn't make sense, I promise the next one will...maybe.

Until then...

Back to the Future

2009-05-17T00:10:00.003+09:00

It's been a while since I've posted anything and as a result, there's plenty to report. Going back to the topic of the future, I finally know where I will be for the next few years (how ever many the Lord deems). I was blessed enough to receive a couple of RD job offers and after much prayer and consideration (and tons of talks with the fiance), I accepted Crown College's invitation to join them next year. I will be one of two Resident Directors for the Christian bible college west of Minneapolis, MN. While I am overjoyed and excited for this opportunity and so grateful that the Lord has once again provided, I am not assuming that the transition will be easy. There will be plenty of ropes to learn in the job and even more culture shock to cope with after living abroad for two years. But I am up for the challenge and I know the Lord will be with me. In June, I return to the States or a super busy two months before I start my new job and ministry in August. There will be many posts about that, I'm sure.

I have just three weeks left in Korea. Wow, that's hard to type. I love this country. I love these people. I love my kids. I am leaving behind so much (including my future husband). After two years of growing up and learning who I am, it is time to return home and grow up some more, as an individual before I am joined with someone else.

This semester has reminded me of the many ways that the Lord teaches us. His endless creativity in our lives never ceases to astound me. In my case, I have been put through the fire in order to be refined again and again. I haven't always come out purer, as intended, but then Lord just puts me right back in (usually to my dismay). I am thankful for the lessons learned in the past few months and apprehensively look forward to the lessons to come.

Fleeting Moments and Uncertainty

2009-03-26T13:56:00.002+09:00

This is not what I pictured my life would look like at 25. If you were to ask 6-year-old Sarah, I'd have a multi-platinum selling album under my belt and be touring around with world singing for sold-out shows. Of course, Amy Grant would be opening for me. I was supposed to be a singer. But when God weaned me of that dream through a series of disappointments in college, I moved on. At least I can look back and say that I tried.

So, instead of becoming a singer, I became a missionary- much less glamorous but better fitting- God knew what was best (as He always does). Now I find myself at the crossroads once again. I'm leaving Korea in June and now I'm in the process of trying to find a job in the States. After two rejection letters, my heart is beginning to sink. What if the Lord doesn't want me to pursue this particular path? What if He wants me to move back to the States, live with some friends and work at Starbucks for a year? No, He couldn't possibly want THAT. Not for this super planner. I need a plan!

Two years after college graduation and I find myself in the exact same position. I don't want to leave the place that I am in but the Lord is calling me out. Uncertainty is all I can see in front of me.

As I read the above paragraph, the Lord is tugging at my heart. Wow, I really am in the same position I was two years ago. And you know what, the Lord provided then too. What makes me think that this time will be any different? Am I so thick-headed that He has to teach me the same lessons over and over and over? No, I am human and this is what we do. There's a reason Paul instructed us not to be worried about anything. Just bring it to Abba.

If the current past I'm trying to take doesn't work out, at least I can say that I tried. The Lord's plans are so much bigger than mine. Not my standard of bigger (because in my 6-year-old eyes, being a singer is much bigger than a missionary) but His. May I stop fretting long enough to let go of my own ideals and listen to the Creator of the Heavens...He may have a thing or two to say.

Roma, Roma, Roma

2009-03-03T16:17:00.002+09:00

Last week, I went to Italy on a spontaneous trip with some friends. I won't get into all the details leading up to the trip (why we went, the events that transpired during the planning and the like-that's a post in an of itself) but I will share a few reflections after my time there.

First of all, I LOVE Rome. Everything about it is almost surreal. Some people don't like the crowds and the pick-pockets can be a bother, but that didn't phase me. There were five of us staying in an apartment right in central Rome for four days. We saw everything you could possibly see in just four days (all the typical sights) and ate some terrific food. If you ever go to Rome (or any European city for that matter) bring along a Rick Steves' travel guide. The man led us to some of the most hidden, hole-in-the-wall, mom and pap restaurants that were absolutely wonderful. My favorite was a place hidden around the corner from a busy street and away from the tourist attractions. We walked in an an old, plump Italian woman with a scarf tied around her head saw us with the Rick Steves' book and greeted me with a hug and kiss. She led us to a table and the meal began. No menus, they just fed us whatever they were cooking. Five courses (including homemade pasta, of course) and I ate almost everything (c'mon, I AM after all a picky eater).

We saw grand cathedrals and Bible character grave sites; an artful display of 4,000 monk skulls from centuries ago (really creepy) and plenty of ruins. So, what was my favorite? While it's hard to pick just one, the Sistine Chapel really struck me. This beautiful masterpiece is viewed by thousands of people every single day- atheists and Christians alike. One entire wall is a depiction of the last judgement where some will end up in hell and some will join Christ in heaven- it's not implied, it's a self-explanatory painting. So much work was put into not only the Sistine Chapel but all of the cathedrals in Rome (and all over Europe, for that matter). And yet Europe is a largely secular and atheistic continent. It amazes me how lost these countries have become after having such a strong foundation and root in Christianity. Sure, there is a lot of history there, lots of corruption and mistakes, but the fact still remains. Christianity was once a huge presence in Europe and now has fading to little more than tourist attractions and postcard photos. I know that revival is starting, slowly but surely in some countries and I am so excited to see what the Lord has in store.

After Rome, we took a scenic train ride to Venice. My thoughts? If you're in Italy, you must go if only to see the canals and character of the city. But after 1.5 days, I was done. You can walk from one end of Venice to the other in well under an hour, which is awesome. We never had to take the super expensive water taxis or vaporettos (water buses) out of necessity. We did take one trip down the grand canal on a vaporetto, which I highly recommend. But other than the beautiful St. Mark's Square, a few other churches, some apparently amazing islands that we didn't get to and plenty of picturesque alleys and canals, there's nothing to do in Venice but shop and eat. It almost felt like I was at Epcot Center. Tiny streets were lined with store after store and grossly price-inflated eateries. You ran into few Italians other than the ones working. Everyone seemed to be carrying a map or tour book...and we were there in the low tourist season! I did love walking into the countless squares and hearing an accordion or opera singer belting out Italian tunes. I felt like a little kid wandering through a maze as I turned each corner to encounter yet another bridge or small alley. At the end of our trip, we had to leave our quaint, amazingly cute Venice apartment at 5am to catch our bus to the airport. We walked through the streets on the 15 minute hike and saw next to no one. Fog hiding the paths and the gentle rush of canals created a Bronte-esque scene. The walk through the cobblestone streets lined with closed cafes and shops may have been one of my favorite walks during my time in Italy. If you ever make it to Venice, take a walk before the sun comes up, it's magical.

So, those are my thoughts of Italy. It was the #1 country on my list of places to visit and now I can cross it off. If you go, spend more time in Rome and unless you're a shopaholic and like shoveling out tons of cash for touristy versions of Italian food, only spend a couple of days in Venice. But Italy, oh Italy- wondeful.

Next on the list? Egypt, Greece, the UK, India, Australia/New Zealand, South Africa, Spain, Ecuador...My name is Sarah and I'm a travel-holic.

Peter....Simon Peter

2008-12-11T23:31:00.003+09:00

As a child sitting in Sunday school, I never truly appreciated (or for that matter liked) Simon Peter. To me, he was a head-strong, impulsive, silly disciple. I liked John much better- he was the beloved one. I want to be the beloved one, I thought. But my understanding of these biblical characters was restricted to flannel graph presentations and picture-book stories. When I hit college and began studying the Scriptures more in depth, I finally started to understand Peter. In fact, I saw a great deal of myself in him. Like Peter, I am sometimes impulsive. I speak without thinking and I am more than just occasionally headstrong.

While studying the Gospels in my seminary course (via distance education), I have gained even more perspective on the life of Peter and particularly, his denial of Christ and subsequent redemption. I formerly judged Peter for his denial of Christ. Jesus had even forewarned him of it. Jesus had told Peter to his face that during the course of that very night, he would deny knowing Christ. Talk about a huge warning. I never understood how Peter failed to recognize the fulfillment of this prophecy even after his first denial (John 18:15-24). Rather, he went on to deny the Christ in two more conversations (John 18:25-27). What kind of person would do that? What kind of person would spend years following and believing the Son of God and then turn around and deny ever knowing him? Just like Peter, I too am that kind of a person.

I may not deny knowing or believing in Christ with my lips, but I continually struggle with following his commands and instructions as laid out in Scripture. I deny Christ with my actions; I know what I should do and then go and do the opposite. I’m in the same boat as Peter. While this principle in and of itself hasn’t altered my behavior or attitude, what happens next between Jesus and Peter has.

After the resurrection, Jesus appeared to seven disciples on the shore of the Sea of Galilee. He sat down with Peter for what most likely would have been their first one on one conversation since Peter’s denial. Jesus asked him, “Simon, son of John, do you truly love me more than these?” (John 21:15). In the same verse, Peter responded with a certain, “Yes Lord, you know that I love you.” Jesus replied with instruction to “feed my lambs” (v. 16). Two more times, Jesus asked the same question with the same answer from Peter. Christ’s response is similar, “take care of my sheep” (v. 16) and “feed my sheep” (v. 17). Is it a mere coincidence that Jesus asked Peter three times if he loved him when Peter had just denied knowing Christ three times just a few days before? I had never connected the two events before or considered that Christ was giving Peter a chance to be redeemed. After all Peter had done (disregarding Christ’s prophesy and denying their friendship three times during Jesus’ trials) Christ was reinstating him as a disciple. Not only that, but Jesus designated Peter to be the rock on which he would build his Church (Matt. 16:18). Is Peter qualified for such an honor? He did, after all, deny knowing the Son of God.

The beauty of Christ’s conversation with Peter is not that he’s giving him a “second chance”. The beauty is that he’s giving him full redemption. Peter could have denied Christ one hundred times and he still would have been reinstated into fellowship with the Song of God. That’s what forgiveness is and this account illustrates it perfectly. Jesus didn’t hang Peter’s sin over his head; he didn’t say, “I told you so”. He didn’t even ask Peter why. He simply gave Peter the opportunity to affirm his devotion.

I can relate with Peter’s denial but it’s his redemption that has challenged my behavior and attitude the most. Am I worthy to be reinstated by the Lord? After all I do to tear down the kingdom, why would he turn around and use me to build it up? Am I capable of such things? Instead of constantly questioning my worthiness, I am learning to accept that I will never be worthy. I will fail- and many times. Yet Christ’s death and resurrection have provided a way for redemption. Hopefully I’ll learn to apply this principle in the future and relish in the gift of redemption that the Lord so freely gives. If I can remember this, I’ll stop wallowing in self-pity and strive even more to affirm my devotion for Jesus Christ. And just maybe, he’ll use me to do something great in the kingdom-despite my flaws.

Peter’s not such a bad guy after all. It took me years, but I’ve finally come around to appreciating his faults and unbridled fervor to do the right thing (even when he doesn’t realize what that is). May I never take for granted the redemption found through Jesus Christ.

Election Pains

2008-10-23T14:36:00.004+09:00

I think I'll make it a point to live in a foreign country every election year. I've heard account from people in the States saying that this year has brought more media, more mud-slinging and more annoyances than any election before. Goodness, I'm in South Korea and I still get my share of election news. I was getting on the subway in Seoul the other week and there was a news stand featuring a Korean magazine with McCain and Obama on the cover. Now, I highly doubt that the USA had extensive coverage of the S. Korean presidential election between Lee Mung-bak, Chung Gond-young and Lee Hoi-chang last year (but then again, I was here so I don't know). But the whole world has their eyes on this election. Why? What made America the world's super power? Is it all our money? Is it because we're perfect and have never made mistakes? Is it because we have the most guns? I know that events throughout time and many factors have contributed to making the USA such a super power. But that doesn't mean we know the best way of doing things.

I must admit, I much prefer the S. Korean way of going about elections. Sure, there is media covereage, but I don't believe I saw one commercial for a candidate. They do have these trucks that drive around with a banner of the candidate on the back with a speaker blasting the candidate's ideals and platforms. Also, on some street corners, supporters of a certain candidate will stand with sashes promoting their guy and they will do a little dance (see the sound-less video below). Needless to say, I was a little oblivious of the politics that were occuring around me. But I doubt that a foreigner living in the States could be oblivious of the media circus we create there.

Maybe all of this ranting is a result of my polotical apathy. Well, maybe not apathy but definite disinterest. Yes, I took the pains of applying for an absentee ballot. I researched the candidates (and heard about my friend's sister who works at a hotel in Grand Rapids, MI where both candidates stayed at one point, one treated her with respect and kindness and the other, well the other was a complete jerk and made her walk over 20 flights of stairs to bring him room service because he made them shut down the elevators...and he didn't tip her...yes please, I'd love for someone like that to be in control of tax breaks for the working class). I feel as though I made an informed decision that wasn't fudged by negative commercials and character-bashing. Nevertheless, I voted and that's the whole point, right?

All of this is to say, every four years, I'd like to live in a country other than the USA. Living here has opened my eyes to how great and not-so-great my homeland really is. Who knows where I'll be come next election. But I am grateful that for the 2008 presidential mayhem, I'm here in Asia, where everything just seems simpler.

Passion in Seoul

2008-10-12T19:25:00.008+09:00

I can hardly put to words the experience of the last couple of days. But I will do my best to pain a picture for you...hunker down, it's gonna be a big picture.

For those who don't know what Passion is, let me give you a little background info. Passion is a movement started by Louie Giglio and a few others. It started out with one day conferences in the States and then grew into a whole movement, gripping college campuses across the nation. Chris Tomlin, Matt Redman and David Crowder are the staple worship leaders for the conferences but others have been involved like the Nockels, Fee and Shane and Shane. Passion's mission is to mobilize the college-age generation (18-25) to make the Lord famous. They want to see a generation rise up, sold out for God. This year, Passion decided to take the tour to the world. They are almost done with their tour and Seoul was one of the last stops. They are going to 17 key cities around the world including Mexico City, Kampala Uganda, Cape Town, South Africa, Manila, Philippines, Jakarta, Indonesia, Tokyo, SEOUL and so many more. There's what you need to know, now on with the story...

On Friday, 8 of us RAs boarded a train and rode up to Seoul for the Passion World Tour. We unloaded all our belongings at our hostel and made a stop at On the Border (yeah for Mexican food finally being in Korea) before heading to the venue. The conference was held in the old Olympic Gymnastics Arena in Seoul's Olympic Park. That in and of itself was pretty awesome. I got to walk around the grounds of the 1988 Summer Olympic Games and see where history was made. We waited about an hour in line and then entered the huge arena.

The evening began with a Korean strings ensemble playing "Bittersweet Symphony" and an amazing video (complete with Korean words I couldn't read fast enough since I read like a 2nd grader). This was such a POWERFUL way to start the night. I can't tell you how fast my heart started beating. If you want to see/hear exactly what I saw/heard, go to
http://kr.youtube.com/watch?v=V--vAT0uffk. Only, change the highlighted city/country to Korea and change all the words to Korean. That's what we saw...amazing.

After that, Chris Tomlin took the stage and led us in a worship set that brought unstoppable tears to my eyes. Even as I write this in my dorm rec room, tears are filling my eyes. After two of the roughest months of my life, I finally heard the voice of God. It was during the first song that I felt the arms of the Lord holding me. "Why are you letting Satan hold you down when I've already beat him?" Those words resounded in my ears and I couldn't focus on anything else. The Lord was there, He was speaking and like a plant desperate for water, I was being covered in His love.

As the worship set continued, 5,000 people (mostly Korean) praised the Lord in perfect unison. Hands were raised, the ground shook with all the jumping and dancing going on. Everyone seemed to sing in English (though the Korean translation was on the screen). A little later in the service, Louie came on stage and instructed us to get into groups of three and pray. We praise the Father, we asked Jesus to enter this place and we prayed for Tokyo, the next stop on the World Tour. If you know anything about Korean history, they don't like the Japanese. The last invasion that the small nation of Korea experienced was from Japanese and in the process, a lot of culture and resources were lost (the cut down a TON of Korea's trees and brought them back to Japan among other things). It's perfectly acceptable to dislike the Japanese here. Well, on the Passion World tour, each city prays for the next one (Vancouver, Canada prayed for Seoul). How fitting that we prayed for a nation that was so disliked. Louie prefaced it by saying sarcastically "we're going to pray for your favorite nation...but in the body of Christ, there are no nations". He challenged this generation to put aside their prejudice and love. During the prayer, the entire arena filled with prayers, English and Korean. It was such an AMAZING sound. The body of Christ was crying out to God and it was beautiful.

Louie talked about grace and how our God stands apart from all other gods because of GRACE. Christ didn't take our D report card and sign off on it so we could show it to Peter at the Gates of Splendor and he'd let us in. Christ took on the sins of the world. I've heard over and over that Christ took on the sins of the world but when you live across the world, that fact becomes a little more intense. "God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God." (2 Cor. 5:21). Christ became the sins of the WORLD. Every country. Every generation. Not just the sins of today in our cities but the sins from every age, everywhere. It was such a crucial reminder and something that was so good to process for a bit. Louie talked about the difference between HDTV and regular tv(which didn't really translate cross-culturally very well since HDTV isn't very big here yet). Regular TV viewers like what they see and it's perfectly fine. But when you see something in HDTV, you're like "whoa..." and you never want to go back. You never knew what you were missing out on. Christians are like that. So many of us are content to live our lives where we are, complacent. We don't know what we're missing out on. He challenged us to live our faith in High Definition.

One more note from the first session: Tomlin led us in the song "God of this City". The words of the chorus are "greater things are yet to come, greater things are still to be done is this city..." It was so amazing singing that along side 5,000 Korean residents. These people were singing about their cities, about Seoul, Daegu, Busan, Daejeon and others. God is at work in cities around the entire world! Then Tomlin did something that made so many of us RAs stop and just listen. He changed the words to "greater things are still to be done in Korea". So many of us are drained in this ministry. A few of us are ready to leave asap. Contract time is coming up and many of us are on the fence about returning or not. Then we heard thousands sing about how God has so much in store for Korea. Are we supposed to be part of that? Tears welled up in my eyes again (let's face it, Friday was a really emotional night for me and I was all cried out by the end). I don't know if God was telling me to stay, but I do know that He was refreshing me and encouraging me to keep my heart in this ministry as long as I'm here...at least until June 09. Also, Tomlin led "How Great is Our God" and then surprised us all when he started leading the chorus in Korean. I was so pumped because I could read the Korean fast enough to sing along. It was amazing to hear the whole crowd singing that chorus in their native tongue.

We left the arena, rode the subway for an hour to our hostel (had a midnight Burger King dinner), and headed to bed in anticipation for day 2.

We jumped on the subway early in the morning and arrived at Olympic Park to grab seats and settle in for a day of mobilization and revelation. Matt Redman took to the stage and led us in some more powerful songs, some original like "Blessed be Your Name", "You Never Let Go" (which really resonated with my current situation) and others (also, there was a surprising presence of Hillsong songs, which of course brought a giant smile to my face). He also led the chorus of "How Great Thou Art" in Korean...very cool. Francis Chan was the speaker and he hit a cultural home run. He's ethnically Chinese but was born in America. However, his father was from China so his message was so appropriate. Let me explain. In Korean culture, there is a huge drive for success and education. Kids are expected to study their rear-ends off so they can get into a "name" college in the States or Korea. Starting in elementary school, kids go to school all day then go to hagwans (tutors) where they learn specific subjects (they have music, SAT, English, art, math and more). They get done with hagwan at varying times but I'll sometimes see 10 year olds walking home, still in their school uniform at 10 pm. THEN they have to do their homework. Oh, they also go to their tutors on the weekends. Fathers are traditionally distant as well. Many of my students have told me that they have never gotten a hug from their fathers. The mothers traditionally raise the kids and the fathers provide. (now, these are generalizations based on what the majority of my students have said and what the Korean books I have read say). Anyway, Francis talked about how hard a time he had thinking of the Lord as Father since his father didn't show much love. He did an amazing job of depicting our Father as loving and graceful and if the tears around me were any indication, he really spoke to a culture crying out for Fatherly love.

We had a lunch break and then session 3 started with the David Crowder Band leading worship. Songs like "No One Like You" and "You Are My Joy" just refreshed me. I can't tell you how liberating it was to be myself in worship. I feel like since coming to Korea, I've had to "conservatize" myself. As bad as it sounds, I haven't felt free to lift my hands, dance or jump (and if you went to my international church, you'd understand why...but it's the only church I can really go to here). But this weekend, I could raise both hands up to the heavens and just be one of the thousands doing so. For the longest time, I thought that Koreans just didn't do that. The people at my church don't, the students in chapel don't, even the teachers at the school don't (well, some do...sometimes- mostly the South Africans). But seeing thousands of Koreans praising with such emotion and movement, wow. I was blown away. It really encouraged me to see so many young people throwing off all their dignity and just praising! But at the same time, it was discouraging to know that it's not a cultural difference at TCIS...it's a heart difference. Our kids just don't do that. If the Christians raised their hands in chapel, they would undoubtedly get made fun of. The few times I have raised my hands in church or chapel, students have said stuff to me. It's really disheartening. But this weekend, I could jump, cry, dance...whatever and not worry about what anyone else was thinking. I felt FREE. As I read this, it sounds like I'm really letting other people affect my worship, but you'd understand if you could experience it here...

Francis Chan spoke again and we ended the session with David Crowder again. There was one more big, 3.5 hour session that night, but unfortunately, I had to go back to Daejeon in time to go back on duty. So, I missed Louie Giglio's last talk and Chris, Matt and David leading all together. I also missed the massive prayer for Tokyo. BUT, I don't consider it a loss. I was able to go to 3 sessions, hear all the worship leaders and both speakers and truly enter the presence of the Lord.

As I walked out of the arena, I felt more alive than I have in a long time...spiritually alive. I'm motivated to finish this year strong. I'm excited to minister to these students, Christian and non Christian alike. I'm prepared for hardships but I feel more equipped to deal with them. I'm not saying that one weekend with some famous Christians did it all. Rather, being a part of a movement this big, seeing so many worshiping the Lord, being able to worship freely, hearing the Word of the Lord preached...that all attributed to it. But ultimately, the Lord spoke. He showed up and put me in my place. I was convicted for my spiritual weakness. The Lord revealed things that I'm sure He's been trying to reveal for a long time but I haven't let Him. I've been "too busy" or "too tired" or "too depressed". But this weekend, I was able to slow down and sit in a place where I couldn't do anything BUT encounter the Almighty. And boy did I ever...

For more pictures and videos from Passion Seoul, visit:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3rDMHSdo3yc

http://268generation.com/blog

http://kr.youtube.com/watch?v=4tlw0LpECwo

http://kr.youtube.com/watch?v=tfuXijPSBm0&feature=related

The group of us that went from TCIS (and a couple more)

Part of the opener...in Korean (translated: Jesus is alive)

The masses (photo from www.268generation.com/blog)

A view from the top (photo from www.268generation.com)

I feel as though I haven't even come close to painting an accurate picture of this weekend, but I did my best. Thanks for hanging in there...and thanks for praying.

The Desert

2008-09-30T00:41:00.002+09:00

No know, it's a ironic that the words "desert" and "dessert" are so similar to each other. One holds great joy, pleasure and chocolate. The other id dry, tiresome and just plain hard. I'm currently finding myself in a desert. My spiritual landscape has dried up and all that remains is sand and mirages of what used to be. Where is the girl who was bouncing with joy for the Lord? What happened to the girl who could get up in the morning and look forward to the day? She's gone now and what remains is a girl who dreads the morning, is tired ALL THE TIME and can't seem to hold a steady conversation with her Lord. I don't like this new girl. After being in Korea for over a year now, I'm finally understanding the full cost of a life of ministry. Only one year on the field and I am spiritually, physically and emotionally exhausted. I feel as though I'm just walking on a treadmill that's running at full speed. I don't know how missionaries can do this for years upon years. It would be one thing to actually seem progress and people come to Christ. But I'm really struggling with even feeling welcome here by some students. To some, I am a glorified nanny. My father reminded me recently to minister to those who will let me. I can't force relationships and I can't make kids feel loved. But those who allow me to, that's where I can be the most effective. The problem then lies in the 24 students who push me away. I can't just pour all my effort into the 8 students who let me in and forget about the rest. I'm finding this ministry setting to be harder than I ever anticipated. There's no spiritual accountability or encouragement for the staff. We don't even have staff meetings anymore. There is nothing pouring into us from up top. How am I supposed to have something to give when nobody is equipping me? I just long to be spiritually refreshed and revived.

I've heard it said that some missionaries in Africa have "ticket days". These are the days that if they had the plane ticket in their hand, they would be out of there in a second. Some missionaries from Senegal where here at TCIS this weekend for our dorm staff retreat and they told us how lucky we are to have the facilities we do. They said that ticket days came usually as a result of the poor living conditions, the heat or other geographical factors. Here, we refer to ticket days as "I hate Korea" days. It may sound harsh, but that's what it is. We have nice buildings, we have air conditioners and 4 seasons. But that doesn't mean that ticket days are fewer for us. See, the big difference I've found between this Christian boarding school and others is the sheer demographics of Christians. I envy those working in missionary kid boarding schools. Those people get to disciple students, mentor them and come along side of them in their spiritual walks. But here, with only a handful of Christians (who generally don't seem to "have time" for their faith walk in the midst of the highly educationally competitive society that is Korea), I can go the whole day without one faith conversation. I see what an amazing ministry I have here with Buddhists and atheists living on my hall but at what point to we stop being a "Christian school" and start being a "secular school with a Christian staff"? With 80% of the students here being non-Christian, there exists even a form of social persecution of the believers. If a kid raises their hand to praise during chapel, they are mocked. Bible class is a pain and chore for most of these kids, not a reverent study of the living and active Word. How can I battle this? What can I do?

I'm coming to the end of myself here in Korea. The only thing I can do is live my life daily reflecting Christ and hope that someone finally thaws out their heart and becomes receptive to the message of the Gospel. Because without being effective, I don't know how much longer I can be here. It's like the faucet is running into a full sink and the drain is clogged.Nothing is going in so now everything is pointless runoff...

I have 9 months left here (maybe more if the Lord decides that He wants me to stay)
I don't want to spend all that time in the desert. Oh Lord...grant me some dessert!

It's About Time

2008-08-29T07:06:00.002+09:00

My life of the past few months have been completely crazy. A whirlwind trip to the States to see friends and family ended all too soon and I'm back in Korea, back to the daily struggles and triumphs of ministry. As I write this, I'm sitting in the dorm office, waiting for the kids to come down for morning announcements, prayer and breakfast. I still have the "how did I get here" moments but they are few and far between. This is life and I'm living it. Sarah Erdmann is here...she's a great friend from IWU and I couldn't be happier that she joined the staff this year. On top of that, she's in the same building as me so not only do I work with her, I live about 10 feet from her. That's closer than we ever lived in college. I'm truly thankful for her presence and look forward to a great year. It's kinda funny: she's going through those all too familiar emotions of "I can't believe that I'm actually doing this". It's fun to be along side of her for that.

I'm finding it difficult to settle into a routine here. I haven't had the chance to just sit and talk to people from home on the phone (sorry for that) and I'm feeling the effects on my morale. I need those conversations. I need to hear how everyone is doing and what is new and newsworthy from the lower 48. Above all, I need to process things that I can't do here....maybe soon.

In other news, I have to decide by Nov. 1st whether or not I'm coming back here. See, I thought that senior year of college was challenging because the whole world was at our feet...we could do anything. I was grateful when the Lord finally led me to a decision and I believed i was set. How naive! Am I going to feel this way every time change is looming? I feel, once again, that I could do anything. I could stay on in Korea for another year. I could try and get a job with the International Justice Mission in India or Thailand (advocating from a Christian mindset for abused women and sex slaves). I could move back to the States and try to get a job (I'd love to be a resident director at IWU...but only if the Lord will have me). I salivate at the thought of going to Hillsong in Australia for a year to study under some of the most dynamic worship leaders in the ministry today. Perhaps there are yet more options out there. All I know is that for the next couple of months, I will be under great pressure to make a decision and make the "right" one. Pray for clarity. Pray that no decision will be made out of obligation or emotion but as a result of intense prayer and Divine guidance. I want to be an instrument...but where?

Well, the students are filtering in and the clock is ticking. It's go time...

Summer of Reunions

2008-06-25T12:21:00.002+09:00

Well, I'm home...as in the USA. June has been a crazy crazy month. I flew in on June 8th (ate Taco Bell as soon as I left the airport) and things haven't slowed down since. Jen flew to Chicago to see me and Kristin, Dan flew in to meet my fam and now I'm making the rounds in Indiana, seeing some of the most important people of my life. This last week has been so good for my heart. Getting to kick back with old friends, share stories of the past 12 months and just be in each other's company is what I've been needing for so long. So, am I ready to go back for another year? Not just yet. I've still got places to go and people to see (not to mention eat as much Mexican food that I can get a hold of). But I appreciate your prayers as I prepare to enter another year of ministry in Korea. Sorry I've been so bad with the blog...it'll get better, I promise.

But for now, I'll continue my road trips, my long talks and my thankful heart for the people the Lord has brought into my life (and continues to bring).

2008-04-26T13:18:00.002+09:00

This was an email I recently wrote to a few girlfriends of mine. It pretty much sums up my life right now...

"As I sit here in my apartment, watching Nanny McFee on television (here, it's written in Korean, "Noni Macpee") I'm contemplating the last year (and how bazaar this Emma Thompson movie really is). I talked to Tiff Todd today as she was packing up her car and getting ready to spend her last night as an IWU student. Yes, graduation is tomorrow (well, today in Korea), as I'm sure most of you are aware. We will no longer be the "freshly graduated class of '07". We graduated a year ago. What''s happened in that year? Looking on the surface, we've scattered. Some are still in Fort Wayne, Detroit or Indianapolis, some have moved to Chicago, Houston, Asia, Booneville (but are now moving to Denver) and some went straight to Denver (after getting married and stuff). But aside from the obvious differences, how else have we changed?

I don't mean this to be a super sappy note, but I can't help but look back and reflect on one of the most life-changing years I've had. We went from comfortable and familiar to foreign and new (if not in location, then occupation or other ways). How have we adapted? What has the Father taught us through it? For me, I know that the Lord had to take everything away from me that I held dear in order to hear what He wanted to say. Now, I know that these things weren't actually taken away, my family is still there for me, you are all still my friends (right? ehem...right?), but it's surely not the same over the phone. The Lord has taught me the extreme importance of demonstrating His love through everyday tasks. I've been challenged with my use of sarcasm, my tendency to shut down when I'm hurt and my laziness when it comes to being intentional with my students. Above all, the Lord has challenged me with contentment. How am I supposed to be content when I've been in Asia for 9 months, I can't communicate with the shopkeepers that I see every single day and my students are making constant trouble for themselves? The better question is how can I NOT be content? This contentment can't come based on my job, my friends or even based on the part of the world I'm living in. It has to come from Christ and Christ alone. I didn't really grasp this until just this month. From January until about March, I was in a serious funk (as many of you know). I wanted to go home and I was just biding my time until then. I wasn't content with being where I was. The Lord really slammed me upside the head and reminded me that besides all the temporal blessings He's given me, He gave me His Son so I should never be anything but content. So whether we're working a minimum wage job and living at home while awaiting the Lord's guidance or moving across the country to do ministry in a field we love, we need to find contentment. This isn't a soapbox or anything, just sharing what God's been doing in my life. I finally found that elusive state of contentment in Christ a few weeks ago. Almost instantly, I started having amazingly deep conversations with my students. They started writing me notes of encouragement and of appreciation. I've been able to better disciple the two girls that accepted Christ this year. In short, I LOVE it here. When I think about the end of the year, I'm saddened, knowing that I will miss these kids so dearly. BUT, I'm also stoked to go back to the States...to eat Taco Bell and Wheat Thins. Spend time with my family. Call you girls at normal hours and sit and chat with many of you. The point is, the Lord wanted me to find contentment in Him before bringing a shower of blessings. Because if I can be content in the midst of blessings, where's the lesson in that? It's when we are in the pits and find contentment that the Lord is evident in our lives.

One year ago, we were walking across a stage and into the unknown. What has this year held for you? What will next year hold? Whatever it is, know that I will be praying for you along the way. I have needed each of your friendships more than you could possibly ever know. Thank you for making the effort to stay in touch despite the miles. I love you all."

Although you may not have bee in the IWU class of '07, I hope that you can still relate to these thoughts. We serve a good God who wants us to find a state of contentment(not "happiness"...that's an emotion) in Him. I pray that you can do that today.

On a much lighter note, I'm sure many of you would be happy to know that I've had my first break out of pimples...ever. Sure, I've had the occasional zit here and there, but nothing earth-shattering. Moving to Korea and dealing with the pollution and yellow dust has made me break out. I had to buy my first face wash and zit cream since the ripe age of 13 when buying face wash was a right of passage into puberty. So, I hope all those who gave me a hard time throughout college for my clear skin are "content" with the fact that I too, am not invincible to blemishes.

Until next time...

The Philippines: Beloved Country

2008-04-04T11:32:00.003+09:00

I wasn't prepared for this trip. Emotionally, I didn't really want to go. Spending spring break building houses with 11 students in a third world country sounded great on paper but I was completely exhausted from the school year and just wanted to spend my spring break in a more productive manner...in bed. Couldn't I just skate by the last two months here easily, go home and see friends and family and prepare for another year of ministry here? Well, clearly the Lord had something entirely different in mind.

LASA (Love All Serve All) trips are sent out by TCIS during Lunar and Spring breaks. This break, three Habitat teams were sent to the Philippines and two orphanage teams were sent out (one to India and one to Thailand). So, my team traveled to the Philippines and began work almost right away on houses in a Habitat for Humanity neighborhood. The work was manual labor to the core. I'm a relational-type person. I best relate to others and show them love in conversation or small tasks. Not in mixing cement for 4 hours. I knew it was going to be hard for our students, but I didn't realize it would be so difficult for me. But, the Lord provided, as He always does and gave me the strength to get through the week. We built several sections of houses, laid some foundation and showed love to those needing homes. But the manual labor was only a small part of this life-changing trip.

God knew what he was doing when he created the Philippines. We stayed in a town just south of Manila called Taygatay City. It just so happens to be a vacation spot as it overlooks a glorious lake, surrounded by mountains with a volcano in the middle of it all. Getting to spend time with Abba while looking at this beautiful country was enough to energize anyone. I admit that I was mentally beginning to check out for the year, ready to get home and see people. But when the Lord got me all to himself during my times with him, he reminded me that there was still much to do. So many conversations can take place in 2 months. So much witnessing can be done. The Lord used this exhausting experience to give me HIS energy for the rest of the year. He knew that if I relied on myself, I would fail. He had to take all of myself from me.

One afternoon, we took the team to a group home of sorts. There were 10 adults, all bed-ridden with various mental and muscular diseases. They couldn't really communicate with us so all we could do it sit by their beds and talk to them. Cots were strewn about the room in a haphazard fashion. Screams were repeatedly heard from certain beds. The room was hot and muggy. I felt as though I were in the middle of a "donate to the poor" campaign....you know the ones that play "Amazing Grace" in the background. I was worried for our kids. We hadn't prepared them for this. In fact, the leaders weren't prepared either. We were told that they were taking us to an orphanage. So, we brought candy and were prepared to run and play with kids for a couple hours. This was a far cry from the image we had painted for ourselves. Most of the students on the trip come from wealthy, privileged families. Some had never seen disabled people before. I was afraid that they wouldn't be able to function. But I was proven so wrong. The nurse in charge let us loose to talk to the patients and another leader and I went to the bed of a woman named Malone. She could muster a smile and tried over and over to say thank you. We learned from the nurses that she likes to play the little keyboard and sing sometimes. I told her that I play the piano and sing too. She got really excited. While talking to Malone, I was overcome by the all-too familiar emotion that has gripped me throughout this entire year...
"how did I get here?" I think back to last year at this time. I was preparing for graduation. I knew that I was going to South Korea but I had no idea what that entailed exactly. I was getting ready to leave IWU, not knowing that I could never fulling "get ready". But, just one year later, I was in the Philippines, building houses and spending time with people who spend their life in a cot. I was reminded of Jesus and his ministry. The Pharisees scoffed at people like this and Jesus loved them.

We left the home a little later and I got to sit with some of the students and process. I asked them what they thought. For a few, it was truly the first time EVER communicating with someone who couldn't communicate back. The general consensus of the group was "we are so blessed". We were already feeling blessed that week because we have homes when over 4 million families in the Philippines don't. But this "blessed" feeling went so much deeper. We have limbs that work and minds that function properly. We can run and jump, we can build houses. There are some people who spend their lives in cots. The Lord has been gracious enough to bless me with no physical handicaps. But what have I done with that? God has given me a tongue and legs, he's given me the power to profess his Name to all and what have I done with that? Am I spending my days in a cot even without having a disability?

Only about half of the students on the trip were Christians. However, I got to see students who don't know Jesus, giving of themselves in ways I never thought possible. While we didn't see any major, life-changing decisions made for Christ that week, many of the kids started asking questions and probing deeper. Some expressed a desire to talk more with the leaders about Christ. I don't know if any will come to the Lord through this, but I know that along with houses being built, seeds were planted. For that, I praise the Lord.

The trip to the Philippines will most likely fade in my mind as all memories do. Years from now, the colors won't be so vibrant, the smells won't be so identifiable. But I pray that the lessons will still be as sharp. God's given us so much. What have we done with it?

Below are some pictures from the trip: a little boy who was always at the work site, some of the beautiful landscapes of the area, the team hard at work, a couple of ladies who helped out at the site and more...and notice the IWU World Impact shirt...those shirts have been around the entire globe!

The Nervous Breakdown of '08

2008-03-05T20:33:00.003+09:00

I've finally done it...sort of. I've finally processed 4 years of college (and less than a year after it's conclusion, whoa). In order to describe this blissful yet painful process, let me tell you about my day last week Tuesday...

It started like any other Tuesday. I woke the girls up at 7am, grabbed a shower, called Katie C. (because Tuesday from 7:15-7:30 is our talk time), headed downstairs for announcements and prayer and then took the kids to breakfast. After that, I headed to chapel where I would spend the rest of my day until 3pm. First chapel went well, the student worship teams are doing an AMAZING job and I'm so proud of them. During the break between chapel 1 and 2, I went up to the piano to practice a couple of pieces that I agreed to play for one of my students (she has a flute recital this week and I told her that I would accompany her). Surely a piano player of 16 years could manage to play a few challenging classical pieces. I couldn't have been more wrong. Intense fear set in as I realized that I wasn't going to be able to pull it off. For the first time in a VERY long time, I couldn't "cheat" my way out of something (as in, I couldn't make up something and hope it sounded right to fill up that last paragraph in a 10 page paper, I couldn't turn the classical notes into lead sheet chords, I couldn't look up the answer in the back of the book, I couldn't use a thesaurus to make me sound smarter...you get the picture). I held back my frustration as second chapel started and once again, the kids amazed me and I felt refreshed and confident that I COULD play the music (yeah, along with processing college, I realized that I kinda have a false sense of confidence when it comes to music). I ate lunch with Dan and headed back to the piano for another practice session. No good. No progress. Two of the songs I could play with ease but the 12-pager was a lost cause. I ran to the sound booth, biting my pride, and emailed a few other piano players asking for help. I got quick responses of a negative nature and I was back to the drawing board. Then, middle school chapel started...bless those musicians' hearts but playing with a full band of 11 and 12 year olds who don't all speak fluent English is one of the hardest things. But for some reason, this week was extra rough. In fact, it was the worst chapel ever when it came to the worship music (that sounds bad, but when your musicians stop playing in the middle of "How Great is Our God" and start talking to each other and laughing on stage, it's a bit hard to take)...I left feeling completely defeated...again. I went back to my apartment with half an hour until dorm duty and I remembered that I had a TON of homework for my grad class due in a couple of days. Then it happened, I collapsed on my couch and BAWLED. We're not talking little tears of frustration but hyperventilating sobs of inadequacy. At IWU, I did everything. If a prof needed something from me, I could do it. I volunteered for everything. I served on committees, lead worship anywhere and everywhere, played gigs, got good grades, worked, made time for friends, had coffee dates with people who needed a shoulder to cry on...I said YES to almost everything. I remember one time in Townhouse 600 my senior year, my friends started asking me really dumb and obvious questions just to see if I could even say the word "no". "Sarah, do you want to eat moldy bread?"...but those girls aren't here in South Korea. If they were, I'm sure we'd be having the exact same conversation...

Last Tuesday, I had a breakdown not because I couldn't play a piano piece but because I realized that I WILL let people down. I can't be the people-pleasing IWU girl anymore. While it burnt me out in college, it will destroy me here in Korea. In full time ministry, if I don't take time for myself or for the Lord, I will fail. If I keep saying yes to anything and everything, I will leave Asia a shell of my former self, burnt out at the ripe age of 25.

I collected myself and walked down to the office to continue on my day. Allen and Angela, the dorm parents, came in and could see immediately that I had been crying (maybe the puffy red eyes and running mascara tipped them off). I told them the story of my day and my realization. Just then, their 5 year old bounced into the office, stopped dead on her tracks and said "Miss Sarah, what's wrong?". Her mother replied "Miss Sarah found out today that she's not perfect." Well said, Angela. Well said.

My student who I was supposed to play for came through a little later and I sat her down to tell her that I just couldn't play for her because it was too hard. Those were some of the hardest words I've said in a long time. Not only did that mean letting down one of my girls in a really important event for her but it meant admitting that I failed. She took the news so well and was very understanding! I hadn't ruined her life after all...

I headed up to my apartment to grab some homework and glanced at my syllabus only to discover that I was actually 1.5 weeks ahead in the class. Bonus! I had time to breathe! But before I could to that, I had to run to the auditorium for the student-initiated praise night (which, of course, I said I would play for). What started as a stressful event with hours and hours of practice during my minimal free time ended as an amazing and intimate time in fellowship with students who worshiped in Spirit and truth. We sang and prayed for 1.5 hours and I left completely refreshed and renewed after one of the toughest days in South Korea to date.

So, I finally processed a bit of college. I saw the girl who woke up every morning to please others melt away to awaken a girl who lives to please Abba. What happened those 4 years at IWU have SHAPED me but they don't have to DEFINE me. I'm sure I'll glean more lessons from those years in Marion but for now, processing and realizing my people-pleasing tendencies and how they've followed me here is lesson enough. May I not forget how this feels. May I not forget the JOY I can have from living to please only the Lord. May I not ever again forget the word "no".

RANDOM KOREAN FACTS:

-At Outback Steakhouse here, they have "coffee steak". Yup, it's steak marinated in black coffee...yum?

-We're in the middle of "yellow dust" season. Yellowish colored dust from the desert in Mongolia is blown over the China sea to Korea where it fills the air and subsequently, our lungs. There's a yellow haze in the sky and everyone is warned not to spend too much time outside because inhaling the said dust can be bad for you. People are walking about with "health masks" but it really just looks like there's a SARS outbreak again....people are kinda paranoid about their health here. They go to the hospital if they have a common cold. They go to the hospital if they run into something and a bruise forms...I only wish I were kidding.

My Little Corner of the World

2008-02-12T17:54:00.001+09:00

So, this is really for the benefit of a friend who wants to know what my apt. looks like (you know who you are) but you all can enjoy it. There are inside jokes, zoom-ins and points because I was videoing with this person in mind. But, anyway, here you have it...my apartment in South Korea...

Time for Lunar

2008-02-06T00:01:00.000+09:00

I'm soon discovering how different holidays over here truly are. Take Christmas for example. On Christmas day, me and my friends could walk down the street and eat at pretty much any restaurant along the way...they were all open, regular hours, no biggie. But now we're in the midst of the Lunar holiday. Yup, just 3 weeks after having Christmas break, we have another break for this holiday. We are leaving the year of the pig and entering the year of the rat. As a result of this immensely celebrated holiday, pretty much everything will be closed this Thursday. Is this just because the New Year is more popular and Christmas isn't. Well I have to remember that I'm in a society where Christianity isn't the religion of the majority or even close to it. We have Buddhism to contend with and plenty other beliefs. It's only natural that New Year, a completely secular, traditional and deep-rooted holiday would be a bigger deal than Christmas, the day of our Lord's birth...

While I won't be participating in any Lunar celebrations (goodness knows I wouldn't even know how to celebrate ushering in the Year of the Rat) I do appreciate the week off of work I'm getting. So far it's consisted of partaking in American food at Bennigan's, a Mexican fiesta night with friends, waffle fest, Gilmore Girls, movies and best of all...a trip to Seoul.

Seoul has a population of over 10 million people. Needless to say, it's a big place. We took the 50 minute train ride to the city and visited an area around the US Military base which had, hold your breath, a COLDSTONE CREAMERY!!! I was simply on cloud 9. From there we went to an artsy, cultural shopping center so we could buy a bunch of Korean stuff. I was surrounded by American tourists who couldn't communicate at all with the Korean shop owners at all. I helped out a few with some Korean language hurdles and found myself not feeling like a tourist at all...I felt like I belonged there. It was truly a strange feeling. After that, we headed to a downtown area with tons of shopping, a GAP (which was super expensive thanks to import taxes) and, you ready, another COLDSTONE. Those who truly know me should know that it wouldn't be past me to visit that beloved ice cream place twice in one day. And that's just what I did. All in all, I'm a fan of Seoul. The fast-paced city, the sights, the sounds, it was a great place to visit.

Then we went back to good, ole' Daejeon, population 1.5 million. It felt like a small town in comparison. I felt like I was (dare I say) back home. When talking to the foreign staff here at TCIS, they always refer to their native country as their "home". I have several friends who went "home" to the states over Lunar break. But if the old adage is true, if home really is where the heart is then where would that place my heart? I want to pour all I have into these kids, into this culture, into this ministry. If my heart isn't here, what will I have to give (sorry, Mom and Dad if you're reading this. It has no affect on how I feel about old Green Bay or being with you...it's just part of growing up). I still haven't been able to call this place home (not out loud at least) but I know that it's a necessary step into fully "being present" in this ministry.

One final note: I'll be back in the states from June 8th through August 1st. I'm pretty excited...I hope you are too! Thanks for reading.

Asia: the Southern Side

2008-01-12T17:59:00.000+09:00

It was a long two weeks for sure. I wish that I could detail everything I did, all the sights, the smells (oh, the smells), the sounds and the emotions. But, I fear that's quite impossible, even for my long-winded tendencies. But, I'll try to sum up my excursions as best as I can.

On Wednesday, Decemeber 26th, we took a cab to the bus station at 3:45 am. After a bus ride, two flights and a van ride, we arrived at our destination in Malaysia. The whole purpose behind these travels was the ASCI boarding conference at Dalat International School in Penang. I grew up hearing about this MK school and actually seeing it, right on the beach in a beautiful city was simply amazing. Sometimes I catch myself in awe of where the Lord has taking me. I'm actually doing something that I love, something that I've wanted to do and something that allows me to see the world. But, I digress...

The conference was 3 days long and I got to help lead worship, which was great. Our hotel was right on the beach with a view of mountains in the distance. Malaysia food consists of a mixture of Indian, Chinese and Thai. Therefore, I was in heaven for a week. There was a giant mall (the first one I've seen in 5 months) and amazing night markets with all the knock-off purses and perfumes that you can handle. But aside from the conference, the food, the beauty of the country, the biggest aspect of Malaysia that hit me was the religion...Islam. It's illegal for a Malay to be anything but Muslim but immigrants and foreigners can be anything. There has to be a mosque within walking distance from everywhere. You could hear the call to prayer throughout the streets...an eerie sound. My heart broke for the Malaysian people and it gave me a renewed passion for seeing the world come to know the Living God.

After Malaysia, 6 of us headed to Vietnam for leg two of the vacation. We flew into Ho Chi Minh City (aka Saigon) and my first reaction was...wow. I was completely overwhelmed by the roads. There aren't very many cars but tons and tons and tons and...well, a lot of motor bikes. There aren't really lanes, you just fit as many as possible across. When turning, you just kinda edge yourself out there, slowly and let everyone else go around you. Pedal-driven bikes are also on the roads, right in the midst of all the motor bikes. The streets are dirty and the faces are sad. But, despite religious persecution, the Church is alive. There are high fences around every church and the government has the right to come in and take over the building at any time. We stayed right in the city, went to markets and got to truly see the city. This is when the culture shock set in. The smell of filth and the sight of destitution broke my heart but made it almost shut down at the same time. I wanted to leave after just one day. I didn't want to see the prostitutes on the street anymore. I didn't want to see 4 year olds, shoe-less and alone crossing the busy downtown streets. I was grossly reminded of how wealthy America really is compared to the rest of the world. I wish I hadn't rejected the city so much- I'm sure I emotionally missed out on a lot.

We headed to the Cu Chi tunnels north of the city on the second day. These were built by the Viet Cong during the war. It was strange to go on a tour in a place where just a few decades ago, Americans were given their lives. We lost that war and for those giving the tour, they won. They celebrated VC soldiers who killed many Americans, they showed traps set for our soldiers and a big American tank that was overtaken is on display. It's no surprise that pro-American sentiment is absent, but it was strange to actually experience it and feel it. I shot an M16 at a shooting range near the tunnels, the kind of gun used in the war and I couldn't help but think that these guns were used to kill so many people...

The following day, we headed down to the MeKong Delta River, which is the major waterway for Indochina. We went on a boat ride to a nearby island, I drank juice out of a coconut, had a python snake around my neck, stuck my finger in a bee hive to get honey, went on a horse-drawn cart ride through a small village, went on a row boat through a small jungle-looking tributary back to the river, saw a coconut candy factory and ate a fish...while it was staring at me (yeah, I've seen that on TV, but actually eating it off the bone was, well different).

After a couple days in the city, we headed to an amazing beach resort in Phan Thiet. Beautiful bamboo rooms, a pool next to the beach and an Indian restaurant across the street. What more could a girl want. It was the perfect place to process my time in the city and finally get some relaxation before heading back for another semester.

We traveled over 27 hours to get back to Korea and I'm still processing the break. But I do know one thing...I'm grateful that I finally experienced culture shock and know that I'm not immune it's effects. I feel blessed to have a job that lets me do this and friends who will go with me. After seeing all the Islam in Malaysia and the various religions in Vietnam (we went to a Hindu temple, a Chinese temple and a couple others), I feel a deeper burden for the world to know the One True God. I know it's not my burden alone but I will do whatever I can for the Kingdom.

All in all, spending Christmas break '07-'08 on the beaches and cities of SE Asia wasn't too shabby.

Back By Popular Demand!

2007-12-15T12:18:00.000+09:00

Well, the "Random Korean Facts" have been absent from the blog as of late but no more. Back by popular demand I give you, Random Korean Facts:

It's election time here. There are 12 candidates for mayor in the city of Daejeon. Now campaigning looks vastly different here. There are trucks with the picture of the candidate on the side of them that park at street corners and blast music while a dozen campaign workers (all dressed in the same outfit) dance a choreographed routine while singing the candidate's jingle. It's a truly amazing (and entirely humorous) event.

The city is digging up the road parallel to our dorm. There's some pretty heavy machinery involved in this process. They block off part of the road with a very small sign that says something in Korean but you are still allowed to walk through the gravel and danger. The other week, I came very close to a claw digging up concrete as I passed on my way. Can anyone say unsafe? In the same way, they were working on the power lines last week. But this time, nothing was blocked off. I walked by and something fell from the man working above me. Let's just say, I barely escaped the falling cable and all the workers acted like nothing happened....oh crazy Korea.

When a store has a grand opening here, there are dancers and live music accompanied with confetti and fireworks. It's a HUGE affair! (oh and the sign always says "Grand Open"...because English isn't always translated properly here). A Papa Johns just opened here...it was a big deal.

Monterey Jack Cheese

2007-12-07T01:53:00.000+09:00

I didn't really have a great title for this entry. I'm tired and decided that the first words to enter my head would be the title. In true Wisconsin style, the name of my favorite cheese came to mind, reminding me how much I am craving a hunk of it at this very moment (despite the fact that it's 2am). Cheese knows no time barriers.

Even though I took the semester off from learning (I'm starting seminary courses in January), I've learned more about myself, faith and the Lord's will during the past few months than anticipated. Therefore, I still consider myself a student. But aren't we all still students anyway? My dad is going to give his oral defense for his doctorate this week (good luck, Dad!). He's going on 56 years old and is still a student. One of my students mentioned to me this week that he can't wait to get out of school so he could stop learning. "Oh boy" I told him, "you are going to be very disappointed with life then." We never stop. But I believe that can be an amazing encouragement to believers...especially if we are retaining what we learn instead of relearning the same lessons over and over. If you complete a unit in math, you move on. If you pass the class, you go onto the next. You gradually learn harder and more complex theories and equations. That's how the education system works. Does faith work like that? Once we learn something, can God throw something harder at us? Definitely. It's clear that the Lord teaches us through the Word, others believers, trials and more. If we can learn something about His character, plan or even about our relationship with Him (and retain it), He can throw much more our way. I'm grateful for the spiritual education available to those who ask for it (James 1:5). I hope that I'm a student for the rest of my life...

Climb Every Mountain

2007-11-08T16:48:00.000+09:00

With the fall weather (and colors) in full swing, what a wonderful opportunity to take a hike. So, I did just that. My amazing dorm parents (the Springers) took me on a hike up one of the nearby mountains that over looks the city of Daejeon. Great exercise, wonderful views and just what I needed to beat the "city blues". Below are some views of the city from the mountain and a video (no sound included). The city lies in a valley so everything you see between the ranges is...buildings. I didn't really know just how big the city was (at least for a small town girl like myself) until I saw the panoramic view from the top. Please take note of the random Korean man doing exercises at the top of the mountain. I guess if you're going to work out, what better place to do it than a place with a view.

God really made a beautiful world and I'm so grateful that I'm getting the chance to see it!

Chapters

2007-10-31T11:03:00.000+09:00

So, I've finally been able to process the events of the last few months...graduation, best friends getting married, moving to Korea, starting a new "Chapter" of my life. If you know me, the best way I process is by either journaling or putting my thoughts to song. Therefore after a long creative dry spell, I've written my first song since coming to Korea. It pretty much sums up this transition...

Chapter four, another door
That I don't want to walk through
Chapter three, you've grown on me
And I don't want to lose you
Seasons change and so must I
But summer sure has flown on by

Shed my skin, yet again
A new endevour, another end
Leave love behind and face the dawn
I can't look back because I'm gone

I should be wise and realize
Time is not the enemy
Stripped of all I've ever known
Blaming time settles me
Seasons change and so must I
But I loathe the word good-bye

Shed my skin, yet again
A new endevour another end
Leave love behind and face the dawn
I can't look back because I'm gone

We can't pretend that things won't change
We're moving on, that comes with age
We could adapt and survive
But this is just a part of life

Shed my skin, yet again
An new endevour another end
Leave love behind and face the dawn
We will endure, though I'm gone

Little Blessings in a Big World

2007-10-16T21:18:00.000+09:00

I've been reminded lately of the dire importance of JOY. It is, after all, a fruit of the Spirit. Joy is not an emotion, it is a state of being. I am learning to find joy in even the littlest things here in Korea. Just thought I could share a few with you:

- the middle school girls in the praise team, singing/playing the Vanessa Carlton song "1,000 Miles" after practice
- seeing my high school praise team students lead worship entirely without the help of me or the other staff leader. they picked out the songs, made the power point, practiced and lead their fellow students in an amazing time of worship...it brought tears of joy to my eyes to see those so young leading so fervently.
- Paula, one of my students, remembering how much I love dark chocolate and bringing me a different variety of several times.
- my co-worker, fellow "newbie" and friend, Allison. she too just graduated from Christian college and we just seem to get each other, our hearts, our minds, thank the Lord for someone who "gets me".
- Sally and Virginia, two other female RAs. They too "get me" and because they have been here longer (both in Korea and on the earth), can impart so much wisdom on me and Allison. thank the Lord for females...
- the fact that Costco here sells a huge block of colby jack cheese
- the fact that Korean food isn't all that fried and is full of vegetables (and that even me, a very picky eater has yet to go hungry due to taste discrimination).
- High School Spiritual Emphasis Week...40 came to Christ and so many more learned new things about our Lord and Savior.

I've been able to see each and every day why I am here. I'm almost 3 months in and it's crazy that I'm still writing about this transition. BUT, it has been the biggest one of my life...

Sweet Sweet Saturday

2007-10-06T14:34:00.000+09:00

I have never felt so at home in Korea as I did today. It's Saturday and my day off. I woke up, had a meeting with one of the teachers to plan worship for High School Spiritual Emphasis Week next week and then spent the next hour on the roof of my building. There is no a cloud in the sky today. The sun is warm and the wind is gentle. I sat up there, overlooking the city, the mountains, the school...overlooking my new world. A huge gust of wind enveloped me as if Jesus was wrapping me in His loving arms. I felt Him say "this is where I want you".

God has taken me farther than I ever expected. He is allowing me to do what I LOVE. My job consists of loving kids, planning worship services and mission work...my job consists of my three greatest passions. Thank you, Jesus, for leading me here.

2 months in, I have an amazing community, friends who know me, students who amaze me and a God who is showing me each and every day why I am here....

thanks for the prayers! God is hearing them!

The view from the roof, where (when it's not raining) I get to spend my quiet time.

The Yellow Sea (across the sea is China) where I spent an amazing Chu-sok break with some pretty amazing friends.

Chu-sok it to me

2007-09-25T20:50:00.000+09:00

This week, Korea is celebrating Chu-sok. It's pretty much their thanksgiving. While the actual day of Chu-sok was today, we have all week off of school. Therefore, I have a whole week off. One might say, what on earth will you do with yourself for an entire week? Well, so far, I've watched movies, sat in the park, had amazing conversations, participated in airsoft wars (yup, the dorm staff played capture the flag last night on campus with airsoft guns), played soccer under the lights and it's only Tuesday! Later this week, a group of 18 of us are going to a beach on the ocean for a few days. One big cabin, 18 friends, the sun and the sea...I'm loving Chu-sok.

Last night, Allison and I went onto Hanam University's campus (the school right next to ours) where they have a great pond surrounded by trees. You basically feel like you've left the city. We sat there for a bit when three westerners came up to us (two Canadian and one American). They just started talking, obviously excited to see other English speakers. Well, we soon found out that one of the girls is a teacher in a town about 3 hours away. She graduated from Northwestern College in MN (Christian college) and is starving for other Christians. We even have some mutual friends. Wow, it's such a small world. The other two didn't seem to know Christ or hold a religion. Allison and I left, praying for the two unsaved people and then for the lone Christian. We prayed that somehow, God would bring some other Christians into her life. It made Allison and I very thankful for the community we are in. We were also pretty thankful that we could strike up a conversation with strangers in a park...in ENGLISH!

Two months in and I'm seeing more and more the hand of God...Thanks for reading and for your prayers!

Driving Miss Dainsy

2007-09-12T21:00:00.000+09:00

I can officially drive in Korea...God help us all. Today I took my driving test. I'm 23 years old and had to once again hit the books and study driver's ed. I had to take the written test just like the 16 year olds in the US. Only this time the traffic signs I had to i.d. were in Korean...a little tricky. But a trip to the police station, an eye test and the relinquishing of my Wisconsin driver's license later and I can legally drive in this crazy city. Let's just pray that I never have to. If you know me, you know why...

I started Korean language classes today to. It's a world away from my high school Spanish classes. I desire so desperately to speak this language and understand the strangers in these neighborhood shoppes...maybe one day soon.

I miss depth. I miss the times in Townhouse 600 when people would just pop their heads in to say hi and end up staying the entire evening. I miss trips to McConn and ordering my 12 oz., skim, decaf, sugar-free vanilla latte. I miss Thursday nights when Angela and Kristin would pick me up after rounds, we'd get Steak n' Shake cheese fries, sit in the Starbuck's parking lot and listen to the "Bubbly" song. I miss Bekah and Meg's music videos. I miss Hodson wiffleball. I miss Shatford and the fact that Katie lived there. I miss chapel, the religion department, drama classes, Baldwin (if only I had known how good that cafeteria food is compared to here), the student development office, my RA staff (from all 3 years), eating those terrible doughnettes with Jen in IBS and Bib. Foundations of worship with Lennox. In short...I miss the past 4 years. Five weeks into my "new life" in Korea, I'm feeling a deep sense of loss. I feel like I'm missing out on my friend's lives. It's almost as if they are still living and I'm at a stand still. I know that's so far from the truth but when you find yourself on the other side of the world, it's easier to believe the lies. I long for deep conversations. I long for someone to ask me what the Lord has been teaching me. I long to ask someone face to face what they are dealing with spiritually. Rome wasn't built in a day, right? Well neither was my community at IWU. May God continually remind me that just as that community took time to grow and develop, so will the the TCIS community. He's starting a great work here in my life. I wish I could tell you everything that I've learned so far! The Tower of Babel has strangely come up again and again here. Manna in the wilderness as well. God is at work...it's just taking longer than anticipated to find my way.

RANDOM KOREAN FACT:

You can't get your driver's license here until you're 20. Since the country is the size of Indiana but has roughly 50 million people, you just can't have all the 16 year olds in the country driving (especially on these crazy tiny streets). Therefore, you can't drive until you're 20.

Wheat bread, school dances, and volleyball

2007-09-08T14:01:00.000+09:00

Recap of the week here at TCIS:

The tennis and volleyball seasons started. 3 games in one week and half my girls are on the teams. I feel like a proud mom who goes to the games, takes pictures, and cheers them on. While they haven't won yet, I'm SO PROUD!

There was a school dance last night and I had to float over and check on the dorm students there. While there, I danced with the RAs and teachers. It was then that I realized that I'm officially an adult, dancing with adults (not students) at a school dance. I am no longer a participant in school functions, I'm a chaperon. Even so, it was a blast!

I judged the dancing auditions for the fall musical, Godspell. It was the first time I've been on this side of the audition process. I could see the nerves and worried faces in the students on stage. I had to sit with the other directors and pick who I wanted to be in the dancing ensemble. Once again, realizing that I'm an adult. But, we narrowed it down and practices start next week. I'm so pumped to help choreograph this musical.

I walked into the corner bakery by my dorm earlier this week. I greeted the clerk working and she started talking to me in Korean. Seeing that I couldn't understand a word, she said one word..."wheat". Wheat! She had wheat bread! A huge smile came across my face. "Ne, Ne!" (yes, yes). She proceeded to slice a fresh loaf of wheat bread for me. How did she know? I can only assume that since wheat bread is next to unheard of here, she's had a lot of foreigners asking for it. She baked wheat bread just for the Americans in the neighborhood. God bless this baker who has given me the gift of wheat. (and it was good!)

I had lunch on Thursday with Amy. She made grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup. Let's just say it reminded me of home...

Now, I'm concluding my last few hours on duty this weekend. Last night, I baked brownies with the girls and watched a movie. Now, I'm sitting in the TV room with 5 of the students, watching Happy Feet. It's a tough job, but somebody's gotta do it.

Sorry for the surface level of this post. It's been a whirlwind week with more business then depth...

RANDOM KOREAN FACTS:

"Adjuma": it's the Korean word for middle aged (to retirement) working mother. We have an adjuma cleaning lady, adjumas working in the TCIS kitchen, adjumas everywhere. The Korean language has so many specific names for people. Middle aged working mother is no exception.

It's been in the news lately, but South and North Korea are still technically at war. There was never a peace treaty signed after the war so long ago. So, technically, North Korea could bomb us without any legal consequences. It doesn't seem to bother anyone here, though. Nobody is really scared of North Korea. If anything, South Korean wants to be reunited with their brother to the north and has wanted that all along.

You eat rice here with a spoon and other food with chopsticks. Sometimes, forks are provided (if you're lucky).

Comic books are HUGE here. Not the magazine-type ones we have in the states. They are in actual book form and are like novels (only told with pictures, speech balloons and boxes). There may not be a library in the neighborhood but there IS a comic book rental place.

The clothing stores here sell couples outfits. No joke. If you are married or dating someone, it's perfectly normal to dress in the same clothes. You can buy them in a set, one male and one female. Today I saw a couple wearing white shirts, jeans and pick neck ties. Perfectly normal...

2007-09-06T01:51:00.000+09:00

I have no idea why I'm still awake. There's really no reason for it. It's 2 am Thursday here, 12pm Wednesday in Wisconsin (happy birthday, Mom!). It's my wonderful day off tomorrow so maybe I'm subconsciously giving myself permission to stay up super late and sleep in. However, knowing how my days turn out, I don't sleep in, I just jam pack them, morning to night with activities. It's part of diving into this new community, I suppose.

I'm doing a Beth Moore Bible study with some of the other girl RAs and dorm moms. We're only one week in, but God's slapping me around. One specific idea that's striking me over and over today, not just in the study but in life is how blessed I am to be here. God always accomplishes what He sets out to do...whether or not we cooperate. God was going to have an RA here in Korea, working with these kids, showing them Christ regardless if I went or not. God's will would've been accomplished even if I said "no". But how much greater are the blessings if we say "ok"! I could've stayed in the states, worked at a university or church. I could've stayed in Green Bay. I could've...missed out on a chance of a lifetime. God may call us to the unknown or familiar. He may call us close by or far away. It isn't a matter of who is lucky enough to stay close to home. While I miss home dearly, I'm all in here. I don't feel like I got the short end of the stick. I feel blessed that God provided me with the wisdom, council and peace to understand that He was calling me here for "such a time as this." I'm thankful for all you friends who are also where God has called you. Whether you're working in some random stores in Fort Wayne, moving to Chicago, still at IWU, living in Africa, going to seminary (in Mississippi or Colorado), moving to a small town called Booneville, working in Indy or living like crazy in Houston, I'm thankful that God has placed you there! Cherish that, walk in contentment and joy that you God was able to accomplish something through you because you said "yes."

RANDOM KOREAN FACTS:

While Valentine's Day is celebrated here with males giving females chocolate and flowers, a similar holiday "White Day" is celebrated for the reverse. On White Day, girls give boys chocolate and the like. However, on "Black Day" all the singles in the country go into mourning, drinking Coke (since it's black) and eating "jajamyun" (noodles and black bean sauce).

*Warning, generalization approaching*- Korean men dress phenomenal. Their attention to hair astounds me. Our dorm guys spend just as much time getting ready as some of our girls. Longer (almost a styled shag) is in style. Designer clothes (including skinny jeans for guys) are wore. The school has a good amount of Korean staff that work in the offices, including several Korean men in their 20s and 30s. These men wear the most stylish suit in Korea- a metallic gray pant/coat combination with a skinny black tie. Let's just say I get out dressed every day by the Korean men...

Age is one of the first things you discover about another person. Since it's such a hierarchal society, someone who is just a few months older than another demands respect. So much so that traditionally, when addressing someone older than you, you don't use their name. There are specific Korean titles for that person. One of the 9th grade guys in the dorm today, when addressing Jennifer (who is a junior) used a Korean word meaning "older girl" instead of here name. The same goes in a family. There are terms for "older brother", "older sister's husband", "older brother's friend" and so on. It gets pretty complicated.

Korean ages are calculated differently than those in the US. While you can say how old you are, it's more common to just say the year you were born. I hear "oh, you're 90" or "really, you're 89?" so much in the dorm. They are referring to the year of birth, date is insignificant when figuring out your numerical age (though significant when figuring out respect). Even if your b-day is in December, as soon as January 1st rolls around, you're a year older. Therefore, even if you're 17 in the US, you could be 18 in Korea. I find myself asking my students "What's your American age" a lot...a question I never thought I'd have to pose.

South Korean Freedom

2007-08-29T00:14:00.000+09:00

The Taliban has agreed to release the remaining 19 S. Korean hostages. However, Seoul had to promise to withdraw Korean military from Afghanistan and cease missionary efforts (or some degree of that). Even though I can't understand the newscasts here on my TV, the whole nation is celebrating. When the entire country is the size of Indiana, news like this is enormous. Praise the Lord for the release of these individuals! It's a happy day in South Korea...

I've had the blessing of conversing spiritual matters with several of the dorm students. There are so many here who are searching so hard for something that's right in front of them! I've talked to a student who just can't accept the concept of an all-powerful God. Tonight I talked to another student who believes that Jesus is the Son of God but hasn't been able to accept His saving grace yet...too many things in life have gone wrong for this student to reach out and trust. My heart cries for them. I find myself praying each day that my words would be seasoned with salt and will proclaim truth. I get to defend the Gospel every day here, something very different from the bubble of IWU but something so refreshing and energizing. I feel like I'm living a life of purpose.

On a lighter side, yesterday I ate a Korean dish called chicken mayo. I'm discovering that it's better 1. to not ask questions and 2. to just dive right in. So...I did. The dish consisted of rice, egg, chicken, soy sauce, seaweed and mayonnaise. It was surprisingly amazing.

RANDOM KOREAN FACTS:

Sandwiches are basically an American food. Apparently, Koreans think that most sandwiches have egg in them. I thought it was a one-time thing the other day. But, everywhere I've gone for a sandwich gives me one with egg. So, if you go to one of the sandwich shops or even to a nicer restaurant that happens to serve a few sandwiches, chances are you'll get an egg, cooked over-hard on your sandwich.

It's completely normal to walk down the street and come across someone peeing on a wall. It's not illegal to relieve oneself in public. While it's much more common to see children enjoying the liberty, once in a while you'll see an adult as well.

While Koreans enjoy spicy food to no end, they don't care for Mexican food. There is not a single Taco Bell in this entire city nor is there an other Mexican restaurant...it's going to be a rough 2 years.

Here's some irony...Korean baked sweets (especially cakes) look absolutely amazing. The corner bakery by my apartment has some of the prettiest cakes I've ever seen. But if you were to eat them, you'd be disappointed. Korean's don't like too much sugar in their baked desserts. Instead, cakes, cookies and muffins are bland and dry. However, if you go to buy a good cracker, maybe even a wheat cracker, it'll be sprinkled in sugar. The only crackers you can buy that aren't sweetened are saltines. Even the Korean version of Ritz crackers are sweet. Potato chips are also sweet. What we have here is a classic case of sugar displacement. Instead of putting it all in the wheat crackers, just put it in the cakes. C'mon, Korea, how hard can it be to change your taste buds??

Defending the Faith

2007-08-24T17:03:00.000+09:00

There's a student in my dorm who is agnostic. This student has soring intellect and loves debating. This student is searching high and low for truth amidst the chaos of this world. The "convenience and hypocrisy of Christianity" (in the words of the student) just doesn't bode well. I've gotten chances to debate and express my beliefs several times with the student. I just pray that these conversations continue and one day, they will see the light.

Living here in the midst of non-Christians has re-ignited a deep passion for my Lord and Savior. Having to defend my faith each day, explaining why I believe in the risen Son has burst me out of the IWU bubble in a big way. I'm one month in and already I'm seeing the world in a very different way. One month in and my students are capturing my heart. One month in and I can't wait for more...

RANDOM KOREAN FACTS (well, stories actually):

The other day, me, Virginia and Allison got into a cab to come back to school after shopping. Virginia (who has been in Korea for 6 years and has a great handle on the language) was talking to the driver. He pulled out his cell phone, called his high school age son and handed the phone to her. He then told her (in Korean) to talk English with his son because he needed practice. We spent that cab ride listening to Virginia talk broken English to a boy we've never met. But hey, we got a discount in the cab ride!

Yesterday, Allison and I went to a local bakery and picked out 3 random baked goods (they are all set out on tables and you just go around and pick up the ones you want, place them on a plate and then buy them (the health codes are very lenient here compared to the U.S.). The ones we picked? A green tea bread filled with cream cheese, a cheese and onion-filled pastry and a peanut butter scone. I was a bit skeptical but man, they were amazing. Who would've thought green tea would be tasty in a pastry?

Today, I went to a sandwich shop for lunch and ordered a ham and cheese grilled sandwich. It came with ham, cheese, an egg patty with corn cooked in it and sweet dressing. It was one of the most random combinations but it was amazing! Korean food as a whole (though very spicy) is wonderful! Shabu shabu, bulgogi, yumyung...all good.

A Glimpse of the Dong

2007-08-18T11:40:00.001+09:00

"Dong" is the Korean word for neighborhood. Here in Daejeon, I live in O-Jung Dong. So, in order for you to better share in my South Korean experience, I've snapped a few pictures from the Dong...

My apartment's living room.

The city of Deajeon at night (taken from my dorm balcony)

More of the city from my dorm (yes, I get to see mountains when it's not too hazy)

Springer Dorm...where I live on the 5th and 6th floors (I live where the round windows are...pretty sweet, huh?)

The front entrance to the school

The street that runs along side of the school (it's a two-way, believe it or not)

The street right outside of the school. Shops, restaurants, bakeries, coffee shops and more are right at my fingertips.

The same street at night.

More city views

Pickle Pizza, Bare feet and Fan Death

2007-08-15T21:13:00.000+09:00

God is so good. He amazes me everyday with His kindness and mercy. I'm realizing how amazing it must've been to be face to face friends with Jesus. His words overflowed with peace and encouragement. In John 15, Jesus is telling His disciples about His relationship with the Father, how to love one another and other things. But in the midst, he says, "I am telling you these things so you may be filled with joy." Joy! I think that joy is such an amazing characteristic. It's not an emotion, it's a mindset. We've been freed, we have everlasting life and we have the best teacher and example in the world...we have Jesus! Because I work with many students who don't know the Lord, I'm more conscious than ever of the joy I have. I may not be having the best day, but I need to strive, no matter what, to have the JOY OF CHRIST. If I don't, how will they be able to see the Lord in me?

On a lighter note...I'm still loving Korea and TCIS! Here's some more food for thought:

Random Korean Facts...

In many places, when you order pizza, they will give you pickles or relish to put on top. I don't know why, but Koreans love pickles on their pizza.

In Korea, you take your shoes off when you enter a house, no matter what. Even when I'm walking around the hall ways, I have to take my shoes off before I enter my girls' rooms. But walk around the hallway in bare feet?!? Never. You don't walk around with bare feet because of "all the germs and dirt that will get on them, then you'll track it inside when you take your shoes off." It makes sense, I'm just not used to putting my shoes on to walk a few doors down only to take them off again.

Many people in Korean believe in fan death. Yes, fan death. They believe that if you have a fan on in your room all night while you sleep and you don't have a window open, you'll die. The fan will suck all the air out of the room and you will suffocate. It's been reported on the news, it's in the obituaries, fan death is a serious killer here in Korea. Some of the TCIS dorms have alarms on the windows so they can't be opened in the middle of the night (kids like to sneak out). They were just installed this year. But what wasn't considered was fan death. Students are afraid to use their fans at night since they can't open the windows. Now, not everyone believes in fan death, it's most the older generation. But it still trickles down even to our high school students. Oh Korea...you gotta love it!

The Black Eyes Peas were in Seoul today...all the Korean news stations covered their press conference- top story. Just another hint of how much influence (whether good or bad) the states have around the world.

Oh Life

2007-08-13T20:30:00.000+09:00

Today was the first day of school. My initial thoughts? I get paid to do this?!? In every other job I've had (except for those in college), I've had to "look busy". If I didn't have anything to do, I had to find something to do. What did I do today? Monday is the Springer's day to wake up the students, so I slept in until 10. At 11:30, the dorm team went out to an "American" Restaurant for lunch. It's amazing what they deem "American". Nevertheless, it was good food. We did some shopping for the dorm and came back in time for the students to come home from school. I then just had to keep tabs my girls. If they were going somewhere, they had to tell me or call me or text me. So, from 3 until 6, I played chess, chatted, watched Nanny 911 (one of the random American shows that is shown here) and just hung out. We went to dinner, and came back to watch some more American television. The show? So You Think You Can Dance...one of my favorite shows.
It doesn't matter that they show it one season behind and I already know who wins...it's still a great show. Now it's study hall. Therefore, the girls have to be doing homework or reading for 1.5 hours. At 9:30, we'll have snack followed by devos and eventually, lights out. That's my job. Now, granted, Tuesdays are filled up with chapel and Mondays are with staff meetings and chapel practice, but it's still not too shabby. Thursdays are my days off and I get to hang out with the other RAs. I feel definitely blessed to be in this ministry! These high schoolers are pretty amazing and I can't wait to get to know them even better.

Random Korean Facts:

You can go to the eye doctor and buy a pair of glasses for around 20-30 dollars...no insurance needed. Because of this, Koreans treat their glasses like shoes...they wear ones that match their outfits.

There is a juice here called Aloe juice. Yup, it's juice made from the plant. It's green and has chewy Aloe pieces in it. It's hard to explain, but it's actually kinda good.

As previously written in my blogs, American food products are crazy expensive here. But I didn't realize how much until I looked closer at the grocery store today. How much would you expect to pay for Hidden Valley salad dressing?? How about 9 bucks? What about Heinz Mustard? 4 Bucks? What about Santa Cruz Organic Lemonade?? 12 dollars. Looks like Sarah will be eating a lot of Korean food for the next few years.

Dinner and a Movie

2007-08-12T13:10:00.001+09:00

I feel as though my blogs as of late haven't been particularly deep in any way. But that's just where I am in life right now. I'm at the surface in a new part of my life, just biding my time until I can truly dive in deep. But for now, I'll just write about new and exciting things I discover here in Korea.

Last night, the dorm staff and our few new students (the returning students come today) went out to dinner and movie. We walked to a Japanese restaurant just down the street and I once again discovered the inexpensive cuisine offered here in Korea. For 6,000 Won (around 6 bucks) I got a huge portion of fish along with soup, cabbage, corn, rice, kimchi, and other veggies. Let's just say I couldn't quite conquer it. From there, we went to Say Department store. In Daejeon, we don't have malls, we have department stores. Inside, there are tons of restaurants and sub-stores so it looks just like a mall (but instead of taking up a lot of land, it has tons of floors). Well, we went to a movie in this department store (there's a theater in it too). What movie?? Transformers. It was shown in English with Korean subtitles. Seats at Korean movie theaters are assigned. You'd think that this means you wouldn't have to buy the tickets early. BUT, Koreans love their movies. You're best off buying online a few days in advance and then showing up to the theater 20 minutes early (at least on weekends). At the movie, the audience was mainly Korean except for a couple of our students and the 4 dorm staff members. As a result, there were times when we were laughing at jokes in the movie but the rest of the audience didn't understand them. So much of our humor doesn't translate or gets lost in the subtitles. Let's just say we got a lot of looks.

So, that was my first night out with the dorm. The rest of the students come today and school starts tomorrow. I'm excited to finally feel a sense of routine and discover what this whole RA thing is all about. Thanks for the replies and prayers. I miss you all!!

Random Korean Fact:

Even though several places and stores have English names, they are "Konglish" instead of straight up English. If I were to get into a taxi and say "HomePlus" (a Walmart-ish store), the driver wouldn't really understand me. However, if I said "hom-u plus-a", they would get it.

DVD Bangs are stores where you can rent a movie and then also a room to watch it in. There are different size rooms and different size TVs to watch the movies on, but you go with your friends, pick out a movie and then watch it right then and there.

There are parts of the city that look so advanced. The movie theater looks very futuristic as do some of the buildings and cars. But the streets are still narrow, there is garbage everywhere and some of the buildings look very old. It's almost like I'm living in two different time periods.

Breakaway...

2007-08-11T00:18:00.000+09:00

We're in the middle of Breakaway weekend...new student orientation. Springer dorm (where I am an RA) has only 2 new dorm students here and a few OCK's (Out of Country Kids...their parents are either missionaries or just live in another country). We've had activities, games, skits, rule sessions, worship, hang out time and mini-messages from some of our dorm dads. Today we went up to Suwon to our sister school and hung out there. For one of the games, they (being two of the RAs) asked for a volunteer from each dorm staff. Well, I had to go. The game? I had to chug a blended mixture of bananas, grapefruit juice, canned beats and shrimp fries (a snack here in Korea). Let's just say after two big gulps, I was done for. On the way back from Suwon, we stopped for dinner at an amazing Thai place and then walked around. We happened to be right next to the U.S. Military base so there were tons of American soldiers around (as well as families). The people in the shops spoke English, there were tons of knock-off stores (one of the RAs bought the movie Hairspray on DVD...hmm, isn't that still in theaters in the states??) but along with the great shopping, there were plenty of sad sights. It made me ashamed to be an American when I heard of what goes on around the base. We had to warn our high school boys that if a woman tries to talk to them that they need to get away from her as fast as possible beause she's probably a prostitute. How sad that the perimeter of a U.S. Military base is filled with filthly bars, night clubs and pimp houses...while I appreciate all they do for our country, many still need Jesus.

I've always like being busy. In college I thrived on activities. That being the case, God sure knew what He was doing. I hang out with kids all day, making sure they get from place to place and on top of that, I'm the co-leader for the middle and high school praise teams. I've helped to lead worship already this weekend and tomorrow will be time #2. I'm hanging out with kids in a foreign country and leading worship for my job....wow, God knew what He was doing. While I'm just begining to realize what it means to live in a place where few speak my language and values are so different, I'm holding fast to my calling and looking foward to an amazing (yet challenging) year here in South Korea!

Random Korean Facts:

Hierarchy is so important here. If you're in line at the store, an older person can just come in front of you, cutting you off. This isn't rude or inconsiderate, it's just accepted in the Korean culture for elders to have the right of way.

Koreans LOVE golf. When driving on a Korean highway, if you look to the left or right, chances are you'll see a big green net and frame. There are driving ranges everywhere. From the roof of supermarkets to the top of parking garages. They are everywhere. Koreans love their golf.

If you want to keep the mosquitos away, you buy a Mogi machine (mogi is the Korean word for mosquito). You put mogi oil in it and plug it into the wall. It emits a kind of bug spray in the air to kill and detract the bugs. Everyone seems to have one....

The legal drinking age in Korean is pretty insignificant. Kids as young as 13 can go into stores and cages (the Korean word for convenience store) and buy alcohol. Because of the large alcohol consumption (and the view of women in Korean society) domestic violence is a HUGE problem.

This is less of a fact and more of a funny story. I was in the store the other day and the song "Girlfriend" by Avril Lavigne came on the speakers. I started singing along with the first chorus but once the verses started, the singer and language changed to Korean. I obiously couldn't sing along. But once the chorus came on again, there was Avril, singing in English. I wonder how that Korean girl got that gig...Avril's Korean voice double.

Last random Korean fact for today?? I really love this country!

Good Ole' City Life

2007-08-06T22:56:00.000+09:00

Surprisingly, the biggest adjustment I've been dealing with the past few days is not the fact that I'm living in a country with an unknown language but the fact that I'm living in a huge city. Daejeon is a city of 1.5 million, the majority living in high rise apartments. As previously stated, the school's front gate is just off a very busy (and neon lighted) street. In fact, my apartment is in a building outside of campus so it lies directly on a busy street. Tonight, Allison and I (the other new RA) ventured down the main street outside of the school and discoverd that city life is so crazy! We caught a cab with Angela, my dorm's mom and took it to downtown Daejeon. Now, if you've ever seen Times Square in NYC, multiply that by about 5 and you'll get the feeling for downtown. The streets are closed to cars and neon lights are EVERYWHERE! We were there are 9Pm and I could've worn sunglasses! What's crazy is that just a few blocks away from downtown is Old Downtown where during the day you can buy fresh fish and other goods from huts in typical old-school Asian style. But once the sun goes down, the huts are closed and the lights are turned on.

With all that said, the city life is hitting me hard. I've never been a city girl but I'm sure I'll adapt. Oh, today we went to Costco and they have cheese!!! Yes, this Wisconsin girl can still get her cheese (but it costs 8,000 won, equal to about 8 American dollars). I'm finding many American goods are readily available but cost an arm and a leg as opposed to the Korean goods which are generally dirt cheap. Anyway, enough rambling, not much else happened today. All the other RAs and faculty will be here tomorrow for meetings and convocation. Students come on Thursday....God prepare me! Thanks for your prayers!!

Random Korean Facts:
Cab rides are amazingly cheap....4 bucks is expensive!

Koreans know how to do shopping. Their dollar store (or 1000 Won Store) has stuff you wouldn't believe! Seriously, the quality of goods made my mouth drop and my wallet empty. Stores like HomeEver (Korean version of a Target type store) are HUGE! They all seem to have large food courts inside, several floors, extensive goods and one even had a driving range on the roof. Shopping in Korea = an amazing experience.

There are two different number systems in the Korean language! One set is used for money and the other for items. But once you get more than 20 items, you switch to the money system. I was so excited because I learned 1-10 in the money system and then went to the store. When the clerk asked me (in Korean) how many bags I wanted (you have to pay for every plastic bag you get at the store so you're better off bringing your own), I said "ee" which means 2 but 2 in the money system. I was so excited that I new the right word only to find out later that I was wrong. I should've said "dual"...oh man...it's gonna be a tough language to learn!!

Yes... I Live in Korea

2007-08-05T20:30:00.000+09:00

For 3 full days now, I've lived in the city of Daejeon, South Korea. The verdict? I LOVE it. The school that I'm working at is right in the middle of the city. Just a few yards from the gate and you're on a very busy street filled with random stores, coffee shops and various other restaurants. Let's just say it's a world away from Marion, IN. I don't know exactly what I was expecting, but I'm definately in Asia. The streets are about as wide as alleys, drivers are crazy, rice is sold in dog food bagsand some of the most peculiar things happen. That's why I'll be including "Random Korean Facts" in the blog (see below). My apartment is small but it's home. I live on the 5th and 6th floors of a dorm just off campus (stairs inside my apartment go to my bedroom), my sweet round windows overlook a busy city street and just a few blocks away is a university of around 20,000 students. The staff thus far is absolutely wonderful. The rest of the dorm staff arrives tomorrow and the students get here on Thursday. Now that I'm over jet lag and have my apartment unpacked I can't wait for the students to get here. 32 boys and girls (I'm directly over 16 girls)!!! Everday, I wake up- think "wow, I'm living in Asia, working at a Christian school in student development" and I marvel at how I got here. God is so good and so stinking wise. He knew exactly what I needed and what had to be taken away from me to step out into His plan. I'm living by myself in a foreign land completely out of my comfort zone and I LOVE it. Thank you God for knowing what we need eons before we know it ourselves.

Well, Gilmore Girls is playing on my TV and I have a few more pictures to hang up, so this is the end. Thanks for reading! And an-young-ka-seo (one of the forms of good-bye).

RANDOM KOREAN FACTS:
In HomePlus (basically a Korean Walmart Supercenter) every half and hour or so, the employees all stand at the end of their respective isles and sing along with a song played over the loud system. In fact, they have choreography that goes with it. Once the song is done, they bow and go back to work like nothing happened.

When you go to nicer restaurants, you take off your shoes and place them in cubbies by the entrance.

It's completely normal for members of the samesex to hold hands in public. It doesn't mean anything homosexual, it's just an acceptable way that good friends show their affection for each other, male or female.

Churches all have large, red neon crosses on the top of their buildings and since many are just one floor of very tall buildings, these crosses tower above the streets. When you're driving into Seoul or Daejeon, you can see tons of neon crosses lighting up the night sky. It's actually amaszing.

Oh Life

2007-07-17T02:31:00.000+09:00

This summer has been crazy. I got back from the Czech Republic, spent 3 weeks at home, went to two weddings then headed to Houghton NY for pre-field orientation. I spent 2 weeks in sessions about working in international schools, missions and other various preperatory topics. I met some of the people that will be at TCIS with me and many others who will be spread across the globe. It's feels so great knowing that others are in the same boat you are only their going to Africa or Europe. Missions is alive and well and there are plently of young people ready to fight the battle.

So, I got back from PFO and headed to another wedding in Indiana. Got back from that and headed to Pennsylvania to visit some old friends (from Continentals and SLAM). This week has been filled with really tough and confusing emotions. We traveled to a kids camp in D.C. that we ministered at last year and got to see many of the kids and counselors again. I got to see Paul from SLAM and had to then say goodbye to him. We saw a Continental Concert with plenty of old friends on board (Nathan, Jordan, others) but then had to say goodbye. I leave today and will have to say goodbye to the friends here. I don't know when the next time I'll be able to come out to PA again is. God seems to throw curve balls my way a lot.

I leave on Wednesday to go to Jen and Tom's wedding. So many friends will be there but along with it, so many goodbyes will be shared. I was fine with graduating from college because I knew without a doubt that I would see all these people during the summer. Now I'm really moving to South Korea and won't be able to see them for a year. It's finally setting in.

This blog hasn't been super profound or though-provoking. But it's where my heart is right now. I'm so full of emotion that I just needed to write it down. So, there you have it...

My Life at Present...

2007-06-21T14:02:00.000+09:00

Steal my heart and hold my tongue
I feel my time, my time has come
Let me in unlock the door
I've never felt this way before

The wheels just keep on turning
The drummer's began to drum
I don't know which way I'm going
I don't know which way I've come

Hold my head inside your hands
I need someone who understands
I need someone, someone who hears
For your I've waited all these years

For you I'd wait til kingdom come
Until my day, my day is done
And say you'll come and set me free
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me

In your tears and in your blood,
In your fire and in your flood,
I hear you laugh, I heard you sing,
"I wouldn't change a single thing."

The wheels just keep on turning,
The drummers begin to drum,
I don't know which way I'm going,
I don't know what I've become.

For you, I'd wait 'til kingdom come,
Until my days, my days are done.
Say you'll come and set me free,
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.

~"Til Kingdom Come"- Coldplay

Lazy Summer Days

2007-06-07T14:03:00.000+09:00

Now that I'm home, life has taken a drastic turn. I am no longer frantically finishing papers, putting together worship services, keeping up with which resident is doing what...life is different. Life is weird.

My typical post-graduation day (besides my 3-week missions trip to the Czech Republic, which was challenging yet amazing...ask me about it sometime, it's still too fresh to really process) looks a little like this:

11:00- roll out of bed
11:10- eat whatever granola bar happens to be in the cupboard
11:15- sit down with my TCIS stuff (the school in Korea), my loan stuff, my grad school stuff and any other "stuff" that seems to be in my life.
11:20- take a break from staring at all the forms, calls, emails and to-do lists that I have to tackle and see what's on TV
11:25- turn the TV off because there is NOTHING on and get back to the stuff.
1:00- lunch
1:30-6:00- organize or pack something else, do some errands, watch an episode of Christy (yes, now have the whole series on DVD), call friends, read, or just sit and stare at the ceiling, wondering how in the world I got here.
6:00- dinner
6:15 (Dainsbergs are fast eaters)-12:00- hang out with the fam.

Exciting life? I'm going with a "no". But my days are full of contemplation and preparation. I know that I've talked about Korea a lot in this blog but now that I'm less than two months away (and only 3 weeks from orientation), it's more real to me than ever.

I miss IWU. I don't miss the course load or the unending stress. I miss the spiritual community that was always pushing you to go deeper with the Lord. Since being home, my relationship with Papa hasn't been the greatest. Maybe it's my current state of anxiety. Maybe it's because I sit alone a lot of the day and can't muster up enough self-motivation. Maybe I'm just not trying. Whatever it is, it isn't right. So, something's gotta change. Somewhere in my daily schedule, God needs a big chunk of alone time with me...

So there you have it, my thoughts about summer thus far on this, the 7th day of June. Even though most of us who just graduated from college are going through a variety of emotions, please keep me in your prayers. I'm leaving everything in 54 days and moving to the other side of the world.

...but it's ok- God's there too!

Two Thoughts in One

2007-03-21T07:44:00.000+09:00

It's a blessed day when we can sit back, throw up our hands and say "I don't know". What powerful three words! So often, I HAVE to have the answers. For those who know me, I will sometimes make up something just so I have an answer. Those who know me really well will immediately be able to tell that I'm lying and they'll call me out on it. The fact of the matter is, it's ok to not know.

In fact, too often deep knowledge can get in the way of the childlike faith we are called to. Now, I'm not saying to stop all the studying and exegeting. Rather, belly up to the possibility that we'll never know all the answers. I like that concept better anyway.

By acknowledging that we'll never know everything, I can be free to rest upon the one thing I know for certain...the undeniable Word of God. And that, my friends, is not a lie.

The other thought rolling around in this head of mine is just these two words: divine imagination. Wait. Think about it. Read it again: divine imagination.

Trying to wrap my brain around that idea has left me in a place of peace. Going along with the former thought, what happens when I don't know the answers? What happens when something doesn't seem to make sense or that something just won't work out. Well, that's when divine imagination can step in. How often do we draw a box around God? Who says we only have to color inside the lines? We serve an incredibly creative God!! He can take nothing and turn it into a great big something. What makes us think that he won't continue to do so?

Sometimes you just need to rest on divine imagination...

Suburbia

2007-02-17T15:44:00.000+09:00

Today marked the conclusion of Missions week here at the WU. But before I go into detail about the chapel services, let me tell you about the week in general.

Monday night, the snow started. Now, I've seen my fare share of snow in my life but wow, this was a doozy. They canceled school (yes, college) on Tuesday AND Wednesday. There was basically a blizzard for 2 days. We got about 15 inches and students are still digging their cars out of about 3 feet of snow graciously piled up behind bumpers by the snow plows. While I welcome any chance to get out of class, the snow caused some issues for Missions week.

I was in charge of worship and since all the academic buildings were closed, I had to pull some strings (and walk 4 blocks in a blizzard since the county issued a Level 2 travel restriction-no cars on the road for 2 days...or else!) in order to practice with the band. Then, chapel on Wednesday was made voluntary (which was absolutely amazing, by the way). Why is it that when the mandate of chapel is taken away it gets so much better? Instead of having 3,000 in attendance, you have 100 people who truly want to be there to worship our Lord. Anyway, this was all after a rough Monday. I was feeling inadequate and unorganized. When it comes to worship leading, I HATE those emotions. After all, this is my major! I should be able to do this with ease, right?

Well, Friday's worship didn't go exactly as planned either. Technical difficulties triumphed over my spirit in BOTH services and I sat down, defeated. Then Steve Moore, our speaker for the week, shared from the Word. Acts 20:22-24 is an absolutely amazing passage that I never really noticed before.

"And now, compelled by the Spirit, I am going to Jerusalem, not knowing what will happen to me there. I only know that in every city the Holy Spirit warns me that prison and hardships are facing me. However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace."

Wow. Paul considered his life completely nothing without bringing the gospel to the world. If only I could have such passion. I felt attacked all week...and I finally realized why. Why did the worship not go as planned? Why did I cry at every chapel? Why were my spirits down all week? Because, once again I was leaning on my strength. My life is worth nothing! My talents are worth nothing...unless I use them for my Lord. I was the weakest I had been all year and that's exactly where Papa wanted me. For in my weakness, He has more room to be glorified. When I'm as low as possible, He can get even higher. He was glorified more in my shortcomings and humble checks than any high tech-musically intricate super service I couldn't produced.

God's been calling me out all week. The theme for missions week was "abandon". How fitting. So what if things didn't go as planned. Abandon my expectations and my race for glory for the sake of the cross. Abandon my fears of moving to South Korea. Won't God be there too? Will He not go before me? It's so fitting that the week that required the most spiritually, physically and emotionally was about going to the ends of the earth. Thank you, Lord, for reaffirming my call into missions. It's a scary one, but I'm ready.

Steve said some pretty amazing things this week. Here are some that struck me the most:

"Live on purpose" (yeah, sounds cliche but think about it...)

"We need to abandon the thought life that says: if it's something I like, God will call me to it. If it's hard, God won't ask"

"Clarity about the task doesn't remove uncertainty about the results."

"Uncertainty breed passivity"

"The most important thing about you is what comes to your mind when you think about God"(that's good ole' A.W. Tozer)

...and...

"Suburbia is sucking the life out of us more than any third world country could."

...amen and amen.

Academia...or lack there of

2007-02-05T05:27:00.000+09:00

I've tried to check out. I have done everything in my power to do homework for the sake of getting it done and give lackluster performances in my classes this semester. After all, I already have a job. I'm already accepted into seminary. I have 3 months of college left in my entire life. Why shouldn't I be lazy when it comes to academics?

Because that's not me, that's why. I am a perfectionist (both good and bad). I hate it that I can't leave a room knowing that something is grossly out of place. I don't like that I walk around my townhouse picking even little lint specks off of the floor. I can't turn in a paper late...ever. It's just not in my nature to slop words together on a page and turn it in. I can't use all my skips in a class just because I can. Being a perfectionist in the second semester of my senior year is...difficult.

But it's not just that I'm a perfectionist. I see school work as an act of worship. The Lord was gracious enough to allow me to come to IWU. He has miraculously provided the funds to study here under some of the greatest minds I have ever encountered. Slacking off, even in my last semester just doesn't seem like worship of our Lord.

I want to live every moment to its fullest. I want to soak up as much of my friends as possible. I want to take advantage of the spiritual atmosphere here. I want to be able to randomly go to Kokomo at midnight to satisfy Bekah's IHOP craving. But I also want to leaving knowing that I did my best and gave my all...freshman or senior.

The Mountain

2007-01-19T05:45:00.000+09:00

How many times do I have to climb up the mountain for a few distinct moments in the crisp air only to tumble down to the earth again?

We just concluded our Spiritual Emphasis Week here at the WU and after 6 Summit services in 3 days, the mountain top is on my mind. I can't say that I was spiritually challenged by the speakers in new and profound ways (though they were anointed men of God who certainly proclaimed the Word), rather it was through the worship that conviction came into play. I had the amazing blessing to help lead the worship time with 9 of the greatest musicians on campus. For one week, my nights were consumed with practices and fellowship with these friends. Then, when Monday rolled around, we stood in front of the IWU student body and led them in worship of our Almighty Lord. After I lead worship, I am emotionally, physically, and spiritually drained. You would think that after singing praises to the Lord that at least spiritually I would be energized. But leading worship is like taking all your energy and giving it to the people in the congregation, leaving you with none.

Let's just say that by the end of our Summit services, I was left feeling exhausted. After the last service all I wanted to do was process and contemplate what had taken place. But I couldn't, life had to go on. Homework and meetings were waiting and the week wasn't over.

So what does any of this have to do with the mountain top experience? Absolutely nothing. That's kinda the point. I don't think we place enough stock in the valleys or the simple plains that lie between the peaks. We look to weeks like this one for a spiritual pep rally but don't realize that the "game" never ends. I didn't get any spiritual high from this, my last Summit at IWU and I wouldn't have it any other way. Through this week, the Lord grabbed a hold of me, pointed out some very evident weaknesses in my life and has begun to shape me out of those. He has taught me what it means to be selfless and giving in a ministerial setting and helped me realize why exactly He has blessed me with these musical abilities (well, we're still feeling that one out a bit). He did all of this not through a great speaker calling out challenges or corporate times of raising hands and singing. He did it in practices. He did it in my 5 minutes of down time each day. He did it through the tears I shed, thinking that there was no way I'd get through the exhausting week in one piece. He did it in the valleys and plains. I've been more challenege in this Summit week than any other I've experience at school. God can reach us just as easy in the plains as the mountains. And when we let Him, even the plains seem like they are touching the sky.

"We are not made for the mountains, for sunrises, or for the other beautiful attractions in life- those are simply intended to be moments of inspiration. We are made for the valley and the ordinary things of life, and that is where we have to prove our stamina and strength." -Oswald Chambers

Home Sweet Home

2006-12-30T08:19:00.000+09:00

Yesterday I boarded a plane to Asheville, North Carolina for a job interview. This is my story...

So, I got to the big booming Green Bay airport (ok, not really...it's tiny) and talked to Jackie on the phone until I got on board. I flew to Detroit and had to walk through this stinking underground tunnel that looks like an underwater experience with weird lights and electronic music (if you've been in the Detroit airport, you know what I'm talking about). I then waited to board the uber small plane that would take me to Asheville. It was a gorgeous day. Not a cloud in the sky and I could look out the window and behold God's amazing creative hand as I stared at mountain ranges and snow caps. It was breathtaking. When I got to the small airport, I had one thing on the mind- how to get to my motel. I need to get to the Days Inn just a mile away (across the highway) but I didn't know how. I stared walking, talking again to Jackie as she laughed her head off at me (picture me, dressed in professional attire, walking down a fairly busy airport driveway, carting a rolling backpack behind me...). So, I decided to take a cab instead. Here's the thing about airport cabs, you have to pay for the amount of time they sat there. I only had $15 with me and the driver said it would start at $8! So...I told him to go ahead and drive. I nervously watched the meter climb...$10, $10.25, $10.50. When it got to $13.50, I told him to pull over and I would get out there. I handed him my money and looked at my surroundings...a McDonald's parking lot. But, in the distance, about 1/2 a mile away was the towering Days Inn sign, a glimmer of hope. I called Jackie again, knowing that she would again get a kick out of my story, and I headed down the access road, once again my luggage in tow.

I got check in fine, met the Residence Director from Taejon Christian International School in South Korea. This was the final step in the interview process. I was applying to be a Resident Assistant at the school. I had to meet with the school's psychologist and he analyzed my personality based on a few tests I had taken before. I met the other guy applying for a job, Mike (who, is moving to S. Korea in just 12 days...crazy! God bless, Mike!). I was introduced to the headmaster and we all went out to eat. What I didn't know was that EVERYONE in the South drinks sweet tea. Pointer: if you're interviewing for a job that requires you to move and adapt in a different country, try to show them that you can adapt to a different culture. Needless to say, I didn't drink sweet tea and I ordered my predictable "water with lemon". Stares ensued and I felt like a moron. We met for a while that night, talking about the school and the ministry. I headed back to my room, chatted on the phone with Julie for an hour, and fell asleep.

The next morning, we all went out to Waffle House for breakfast where I ordered a Pecan Waffle (in the South it's pecan...in the north, it's peecon...let's just say, they could tell I was a Yankee.). We met again after that and contracts were extended to both me and Mike. Now, this isn't just a short term missions trip we're talking about. This isn't just a 1 month experience in a foreign country. This is a 2-year minimum commitment. I would be investing in the lives of 11 and 12th grade girls in the boarding program of a very prestigous Christian school in South Korea. I would be uprooting my life in the states...well, just read my previous blogs and you'll get the gist.

So, after much prayer (thank you, friends who have been so faithful in that area for me) and consideration, I've made my decision. Well, it wasn't really a choice. God made it pretty clear where He wants me and let's just say, I haven't been this excited about the ministry in a long time.

On July 30th, 2007, I will move to Teajon, South Korea to work as an RA in Springer Dorm at TCIS. I wouldn't have been able to guess in a million years that this was where the Lord was leading me. But I'm thankful He has. What an amazing God we serve! S. Korea, here I come!!

But for now, let me just relish in my last 4 months at IWU. Cherish the moments with friends and live in the present. Therefore, you probably won't hear about Korea for a while...just about my life right now. Thanks for reading and praying. God bless!

Entertaining Angels

2006-12-04T13:29:00.000+09:00

"are not all angels ministering spirits sent to serve those who will inherit salvation?"...Hebrews 1:14.

Isn't it crazy to think that I could have met an angel? What does it mean that angels are "ministering spirits"? What does that mean for us? I don't have the answers, I'm just putting the question out there. I wish I had the time to do a full exegesis on the passage...maybe after finals.

Speaking of finals, they are wreched wreched tests that profs. use to suck the life and joy out of students campus-wide in their last few days together before extended breaks...that's all I have to say about that.

I discovered today just how selfish I am. I wrote previously about moving to South Korea. Well, to be frank, I don't want to go anymore. The thought of leaving my friends and family to move half-way around the world only to make new friends and minister to students I may or may not relate to just doesn't appeal to me as much as it did last month. This sudden change in mental outlook caused me to stop and think for a bit. I haven't really prayed about this as much as I should. Things have just all fallen into place so perfectly. My other passions have faded away (no seminary just yet). My interviews went well. My friends and family are supportive. Everyone seems so excited! Then I realized that while all this was falling into place, I wasn't on my knees nearly enough. Sure, I was praying about it. Every single day. But this is a HUGE decision. Why wasn't I fasting and spending hours in silence with our Maker? Why was I not seeking His face with every once of my being? Even if this decision wasn't looming, why hasn't that been my way of life? He doesn't want me to seek His will, He wants me to seek HIM!

So, tonight I stole away to the Community Center Office. The tiny room that houses three RD desks (UC, Townhouses, and Male Apartments) and all the RA boxes is strangely comforting. I just sat and chatted with the Lord. Granted, the RAs on duty came in at 11 for their master keys and I may have looked pretty crazy just sitting the dark of a very very cold room. But reading the Scriptures, journaling prayers to our Lord and just talking to Him has revealed some amazing things. Why don't I want to go to Korea anymore? Because I'm selfish. Plain and simple. I listed off a bunch of reasons why I didn't want to go and they all started with "I don't" or "I won't"...me me me. What is ministry?? The very root of ministry needs to be selflessness. I lost my drive for Korea because I took my eyes off of the ministry side of things. What a great chance the Lord has placed before me!! I have the opportunity to hang out and minister to high school girls from various countries and cultures. I have the chance to spread the love of Christ to those who may not know Him. It's not about me. It's all about what God can accomplish through a willing vessel. So, really, I don't have this chance at all...God does. All I have to do is accept it. He's leading me down a path I never expected and asking me to lay aside my own needs and wants. He's asking me to give up my comfort to follow Him. He's asking me to stop being so dang selfish!! He's asking me to go...

...by george, I think I will.

Strange Days

2006-11-08T01:18:00.000+09:00

I might move to Korea. Did I think I would move to Korea last year? Last month? Last week? No to all accounts. When I first heard of the job I thought "wow, that sounds cool, maybe after seminary." But the Lord has done some crazy things in my heart and now I feel strangely called to this country and ministry. I had my first phone interview on Sunday night and two more are going to follow in the next weeks. If all goes well, I go through a few psychological tests and then fly to Charleston, SC right after Christmas for a face to face interview. What's the job? I'd be a resident assistant for middle school and high school students living at this Christian boarding school. I'd have my own apartment and all my needs would be provided. I would get a salary plus annuity to help with my school loans (it's so weird to actually imagine having money, you don't get that in college). Not all the students at this school are Christians so it would be an amazing ministry. I would be able to work in student development and share the love of Christ with those who don't know Him while upholding and encouraging those who do. It's a two year commitment and surprisingly that doesn't scare me. There are many other RAs my age there so I wouldn't be completely lonely.

I feel like God is tugging me in this new direction and it's exciting but scary. What will happen to these relationships I've spent 4 years building up? How many weddings will I miss out on? How many reunions will I not be able to attend? What if one of the my friends starts dating a guy and I'm not there to disapprove? (hey, it could happen, we're mostly single now but some day...) The fact of the matter is I could spend all day saying "what about" or "what if". That's no way to live. If God is calling me to South Korea then I must go. No if's and's or but's. I'm resting in the fact that last month this wasn't even on the scope. I prayed that God would give me the desire to go and change my heart to be like His. I believe that this is the result. I'm actually desiring this adventure and ministry. The bottom line is, it's not about me. It's about our Father and the minsitry that He has called me to. My whole life may be a series of crazy adventures. They're just starting sooner than I anticipated.

I'm ok with that...

Which Way is Up?

2006-10-24T15:19:00.000+09:00

It's 2am. I should be sleeping considering that I got about 10 hours in the past two nights combined. I got to see some pretty amazing friends this past weekend. Thank you, God for friends that keep in touch across the miles and can somehow hold you accountable over the phone. Paul, Bre, Julie, Jackie, and Shawn...miss you already! It was too short of a visit and I, for one, needed more time!!

1/2 of the semester left, what now? I'm up to my ears in seminary entrance essays, job applications, and complete confusion. Amidst all the chaos and uncertainty of the future I have this strange peace about life. God's got it, plain and simple. He's got it, so why should I fear anything? I just have to let him take the reigns and we'll continue on the best road trip ever (with the best music...no annoying 80s songs that always seem to creep onto the radio).

I'm tired...goodnight!

I Wish I Were a Philosopher

2006-09-11T10:22:00.000+09:00

I've just spent about 30 minutes neglecting my Church Leadership homework in favor of reading various IWU religion prof. blogs. Goodness I wish I could write like them. Then I read the comments left by my fellow students, raising perfectly legitimate questions on the blogs of these intensely intellectual men and jealousy rises up in my veins. How I wish I could banter with the best.

Alas, maybe I'm destined to just sing through my thoughts and put them all to melodies that float in the air at coffee shops. Who knows, maybe, just maybe someday I'll be able to conjure up a blog worthy of a Coach D. or Ken Schenck reading. Until then, I'll retire to my keyboard and continue to imagine new chord progressions and rhymes.

Get out of the Boat

2006-06-03T06:29:00.002+09:00

Summer. It was supposed to be an amazing time. I was supposed to work at the cafe for 7 weeks and then go on tour with SLAM. I was supposed to... Well, my friends, when you ask the Lord to send you trials in order to make you a stronger person and more Christ-like, He answers (be careful what you pray for). I have worked at the cafe a grand total of 4 times since being home, I've painfully injured my back and am basically bed ridden and have to go to the chiropractor every single day. i got a job as a telemarketer but was asked to do some pretty unethical stuff so I quit after 2 days and once again, I am jobless. I don't have 1/2 of my support raised for tour and I have $400 for school in the fall. PRAISE THE LORD!!!

What?!? Praise the Lord? Life pretty much sucks right now. Why would I be praising the Lord? Because He is calling me out of this boat I'm in. He's walking on the water and wants me to join him in this amazing experience. In order to do that, I need to let go of MY plans. He's answered my prayer and He is sending trials my way. What a privilege! I took my calculator out yesterday and started figuring out how much money I had to earn to be able to go back to school in the fall. Tears started streaming down my face when I realized I wouldn't have enough. Why on earth am I going on a tour for half the summer when I need a job to earn money for school?? It was at that point that my mom came up to me and ask "did you add God in?" hmm. Did I? Why do we limit what the Lord can do? He has always provided for me. Every single year I haven't had enough money for school, yet here I am, a senior. What makes me think He'll stop providing now?

So, I'm getting out of the boat. I don't know what tomorrow will bring. But I know I need to trust that God's got me. So, bring on the waves, I'm ready.

Whoa

2006-04-27T02:36:00.000+09:00

So, I'm a senior. I have officially finished the hardest year of my college schooling thus far and can I just say...it feels uh-mazing. I just don't know what to do with myself! Between packing and checkouts (one of the joys of being an RA), I just sit and think about what a tough year it's been. From decisions to hardships to being comepletely overwhelmed by school work, it's been one wild year. So, what now? Bring on the summer!! I'm interning at my church as worship leader for 7 weeks then its off to PA for SLAM (sharing love and mercy). For 7 amazing weeks, I get to travel around the east coast performing for kids in outreach centers and other places. Skits, dancing, and singing, all for the Lord. I'm just so excited and can't wait to see the Lord work through our gifts and talents to see little ones come unto him.

So, keep checking in throughout the summer. I'm sure I'll have a ton of great stories from the road. Thank the Lord for summer vacation!!

It's About Time...

2006-03-27T13:26:00.000+09:00

So, it's March of 2006. I haven't updated in like 10 years. Partly because I don't have the time. Partly because I figure nobody reads these blogs anyway. Yet here I am, updating, mostly for my own sake. Four weeks left of junior year. Let's just say that these are crazy days. Senior friends freaking out because they have no idea what to do. Feeling so sad that I'm losing some of my closest friends to that blasted graduation event. Yet, realizing the sweetness in the coming summer.

I'm interning at my church for the first 6 weeks of the summer. I will be the worship leader. After that, I'm touring for 7 weeks with SLAM (sharing love and mercy). 8 college students. Inner city camps and parks. Skits, music, dance and getting to hang out with some pretty amazing kids who just need the love of Jesus in their lives. Wow, the Lord is good!

But for now, I need to live in the moment. It's been a rough semester, not academically but emotionally. Events have taken my heart down some troubled paths. Yet, the Lord is still good! He's teaching me that I need to protect my heart each and everyday...such a hard job for a girl!

In other news, my new CD comes out on Wednesday. If you would've asked me in high school if I'd ever record a CD, I would've said "probably not." If you would've asked me last year if I'd ever record another CD, I would've said "oh, no way." But God continues to amaze me with opportunities. So, here we are. I pray that this album is a minstry and not just an entertainment piece. I wrote a song over spring break that didn't make it on the album in time. But I pray that the words speak to all those in limbo with the future...

Welcome indecision. Pull up, take a seat

Enter alternative, unknown we finally meet

Cease this masquerade. Play on vulnerability

These maybe's keep on trying my heart's agility

Will it be yes or will it be no?

Is this my path or the wrong way to go?

Will it be now or later on?

Is it my path that I am on?

I've made a couple wrong turns

Planting this fear inside

Of chosing the wrong course, telling me it's time to hide

Will it be yes...(etc.)

Maybe tomorrow I'll find certainty

Only when I'm down on my knees

Our great Father, guide me, lead on

My compass fails me and clarity is gone

So leave me indecision, no more will I flee

Cuz prayers are being lifted and someone's looking out for me.

Treading Water

2005-11-17T07:05:00.000+09:00

Thank you to Nathanael Miles who so kindly pointed out to me that my blog hadn't been updated since Sept 2...by the way, he was checking this in the middle of the Religion Division's Colloquium today. Way to pay attention Nathanael.

Well, here we are. The semester is coming to a close. If I had to give one word to summarize the first semester of my junior year at IWU it would be- are-you-kidding-me-right-now? Everything would've been fine if not for these atrocious classes I am enrolled in. The work hasn't stopped and my room has been the most viewed scenery this year. My roommate is off in Taiwan student teaching and still has about 3.5 weeks left. It has been truly sad. My joy has depleated. Being an RA hasn't been stressful, it's actually helped me this year. The girls are so encouraging and living in the Lodges with an amazing RA staff has been fabulous. Still, it doesn't lessen the pain felt from Dr. Bounds' theology exams or Dr. Turcott's communication theory papers, or even worse, Prof. Edwards crazy huge prompt books for directing class. But, lest I forget, junior year is what separates the girls from the...tougher girls. So, right here, right now, the complaining with cease and I will ever be greatful for a crazy semester that has made me work hard, longer, and with more veracity than any before.

The joy of the Lord really is my strength. I lost my joy for a time this semester and, consequently, lost my strength. Neglecting to spend time in the Word, I mean significant time in the Word hinders you more than you ever thought possible. I just thank the Lord that He brought be back on track and that this semester is finally drawing to a close.

The Journey of Junior Year

2005-09-03T01:10:00.000+09:00

Ok, so you may call me the worst blogger in the history of bloggers if you wish. It's been...a while since the last one. But I think a little grace is in order. So, it's back to school (although I never really left) after the BSE (best summer ever!). I loved ever minute of this summer. I grew so much in the Lord and I just pray that I don't backslide with all the stresses of school approaching. For the past 2.5 weeks I've been living here, in North Lodge 107 and attending RA training. Yup, for the second year, I'm gonna be an RA. Why? Because I want to see this campus make a 180. I want to see revival in the hearts of those around me. I want to make an impact and show that I really care about the girls living in my unit. So, pray for me. It's gonna be a long year. To top that off, I'm entering the JUNIOR YEAR (dum, dum, dum...melodic dum's to infer danger ahead). My classes are all major classes....well, except badminton, and I'm super pumped about it. I'm also nervous. Maybe I really don't have what it takes. I'm gonna be getting into some pretty deep theological issues in my classes this year and I pray that I'll be about to sort it all out.

Other than being a little scared for classes, I'm ready for the year to begin. My RA staff is amazing, my friends are supportive, and the Lord is sovereign. If you get a chance, pray for the fam...Kim, my sister, is in Bolivia until Dec. teaching at the Santa Cruz Christian Learning Center. Bolivia isn't a very politically stable country and there is a lot of unrest there. The little bro, Kyle, is now a freshman at Greenville College in Illinios. Get this, his major is Christian Contemporary Music. Grr!! The little punk gets to spend class time in a recording studio and studying the likes of Michael W. Smith. Am I jealous? No, because I'm where the Lord wants me. But if you think of it, pray for him.

Well, you made it! Thanks for reading! Have a blessed day in the Lord!

Summertime...

2005-06-06T04:34:00.000+09:00

Who doesn't love the summer? Beautiful weather, no school, jobs that earn money...I've been back on campus for about three weeks now working for conference services- tech staff. It's been a rough ride. The first week was ok because I was surrounded by friends still here for May term. But last week was one of the lonliest weeks of my life. Work from 8-5 then returning to my room where I sat and practiced music, learned (kinda) how to knit, and watched two seasons of Friends. It was tough. I'm such a people person and there weren't any of my good friends around, no family, nothing. It was the best week...why? Because it caused me to appreciate my friends more than ever. It made me turn to the Lord for my comfort and I found it! Just praying out loud in conversation form really puts Him right there, next to you. Now Danika is back from China and Pudge is around...it's turning into a pretty great summer. Making some new friends and growing leaps and bounds in the Lord. I wish I could write all the amazing things He's teaching me, but it would just be too long. It's not that God is showing me His will just yet, but He is revealing some pretty incredible possibilities that I had never thought of. I'm content with not knowing. I'm content in my singleness and solitude this summer. I'm ready, willing, and now able to accept whatever our awesome Lord has in store for my life.

HOME!

2005-05-08T16:26:00.000+09:00

I'm home. After spending an entire semester away from the great city of Green Bay, last week I returned. Can't say everything's the same: new babies, friends married, and a ton of new buildings and construction...This week was spent sleeping and catching up with old friends. Next week: waitressing, chilling with friends who are finally coming home from college, and saying bye to Jason, a great friend who is growing up and moving into his career (literally). It's kinda crazy. I didn't really realize how quickly things change. I guess I'm in that time of life where pretty big decisions come into play. Watching Dawson's Creek reruns every morning this week, I came to miss high school. Then Jason so aptly reminded me that I was really immature back then and I've changed for the better...thank you Jason. Oh well, I guess this blast from the past will tide me over until next summer when I experience it all over again.

Two weeks left until I head back (somewhat regretfully) to IWU. I was excited to return until I realized how many people I love and miss here. Oh well, these nostalgic ramblings just might be my sleep-deprived body telling me to hit the sack. Until next time...

Bitter Sweet

2005-04-16T04:21:00.000+09:00

So tonight I fully realized that my sophomore year is coming to an end. My time in Shatford is expiring, and the power suite of Jen, Ang, and Megan will be no more. Not to mention the staff that I have grown to love so much will have just a few more meetings together. Sad? Extremely. I hate getting older. The amazing girls in my unit will no longer be just a few steps away. Yet there is so much awaiting me. I can't wait to go home. January 7th I rolled down the street and haven't seen my house, little brother, or friends since. I miss my corner room on the second floor with the big windows where I can just sit and look out to the neighborhood or the backyard and read. I miss going to church, knowing everyone, and joking around with Pastor Adam and the rest of the worship team. I miss my restaurant where I waitress, making Starbuck's drinks all day and having a blast with the rest of the waitstaff (and the ghetto dishwashers and stuck-up chefs). And, yes, I miss Wisconsin cheese. I miss going to Storheim's Frozen Custard and eating cheese curds with the youth group or high school friends. While my three weeks at home this May will be short-lived...I can't wait. Then it's back to school. I anticipate that this summer will fly by. Between working my tail off, spending hours upon hours with my keyboard and guitar in the dorm room, and hanging out with friends, I'll be plenty busy. Sooner than I know it, it'll be time to move into the north lodge and start my junior year. Bitter sweet? Of course. Leaving the familiar behind and moving will be a challenge. But life would be so boring if not for challenges and change. It's all just another bend in the road...

Blessings

2005-04-02T17:43:00.000+09:00

Another on-duty weekend in the good ole' Shatford House. You know, while it may seem like a bummer to have to spend my entire weekend in a dorm and miss out on what my friends are doing, it truly is a blessing. I get to chill with some amazing freshmen girls and like tonight, chill with some pretty amazing RAs for 3 hours while watching the 9th season of friends (good times). I also get to complete all the things on my "to do list" that I have procrastinated on all month...

So, this week I finally figured out what to do for the rest of my life (or at least right after graduation). I could just picture God up there sitting on the edge of His seat, cheering me on to actually see where He was leading. Who am I to think that He has given me this insurmountable passion for music for mere pleasure? Churches are crying out for qualified worship leaders who truly have a passion for praising our awesome Father. That's where you'll find me. Working in a church, leading the worship part time while I hopefully tour independently part time. Yup, you heard me. I'm taking the plundge and concentrating on writing more and pursuing this "hobby" as a potential vocation. Hopefully after a summer on campus (living in Evans 103 all by myself) with my keyboard and yet-to-be-purchased guitar I'll have a clearly defined goal and direction. I hope you realize just how exciting this is. Five years ago I was going to be a Marine Biologist training dolphins at Sea World. Three years ago I was going to start my own record lable in London, England, and one year ago I was going to be a Public relations consultant for a non-profit organization. Praise God for clarity!!

Survivor: St. George

2005-03-14T16:49:00.000+09:00

Spring break '05 has come and gone and it was an adventure to say the least...

The two IWU vans set out with 16 students (9 guys, 7 girls) at noon on Sunday. Lets just say that the guys didn't want to stop for rest room breaks and I ended up using a plastic bag for a very different purpose...Anyway, we got to St. George Island at around 3 in the morning and slept out on the beach. The next day, we kayacked 6 miles to Little St. George and set up camp. At 6:30, the fun started. We were sent into our tents because of rain. It turned into a huge storm that didn't let up until morning. Winds at 50 mph had me and Jackie holding up our tent the entire time. Three of the guys came by at around midnight to see how we were doing and the rain started again, so they stayed in Angela's tent and she came into ours (yeah for 3 girls in a two-man tent). Little did we know that there were a good 3 tornados in that area that night. The next day was amazing! The sun was shining but the wind was still strong. Angela got stung by a scorpion and the wind blew away one of our tents...But God allowed us to recover the Bibles that were in it along with a couple other items (including the tent bag, thanks for the irony). We left a day early and kayacked back (just the girls) in really rough waters and cold temps. It was so hard and scary, but we felt so buff after! We stuffed our faces with pizza and headed back to the good ole' IWU. All was going well (except for the really long graveyard driving shift I had between Alabama and Indiana with no music...) when a little friend showed up in Noblesville. Just 40 mins from school, a scorpion crawled out of my clothes and stung my neck...CRAZY! The whole van was screaming. What a way to cap off a crazy spring break.

I spent the next three days in the dorm alone...noboby else was allowed back on campus yet and my amazing RD gave me the keys to her apartment. So, I spent the time watching the entire first season of Gilmore Girls and sleeping. What a blessing to spend that time in solitude! When the guys got back, I finally had human interaction and chilled with Luke H. and Zack. Now everyone is back, including my wonderful roommie, Jen!

God taught me the importance of solitude this break. There were times when I would go off on the island and spend 2 hours in prayer or in the Word and it felt as though 15 mins. passed. He spoke to me louder than ever and I can't tell you how much I learned. Thank the Lord for struggles and triumphs!

Ready fo Break!

2005-03-01T03:43:00.000+09:00

Michelle told me that I better update this or else she's gonna fire me from blogging.

I jogged up to Fort Wayne on Saturday to say hey to Michelle and Ben and Justin from Across the Sky. On the way there I got pulled over (92 in a 65...only a warning!) and got lost (I kinda ended up in Ohio)...It's ok though, totally worth it to see them.

Ready for spring break anyone! Just one more week...

Who Are We?

2005-02-21T05:58:00.000+09:00

Who are we to doubt the Almighty God? He created the universe for goodness sake! He's the same God that was there when David stood to face Goliath. He was there when Abraham was about to sacrifice his son. He's got experience in the area of directing people's lives. Yet we still seem to think ourselves mighty enough to question him. I need to learn to trust him FULLY. No more of this day-in-day-out trust you today, maybe tomorrow junk. His timing is perfect. Deal with it!

Didn't mean to sound bitter. Just something laid on my heart. Have a blessed day everyone!

Insert Title Here

2005-02-18T13:52:00.000+09:00

Why must we name our internet ramblings? Would a title really turn you off to reading the following insights? Isn't that just judging a book by it's cover?

What a day. I don't quite know what to do with myself. I have to continue to focus on this year, after all not even half the semester is gone. Yet I find myself thinking about next year and what that will bring. A new staff, new living quarters. On top of that, I still have to decide what to do this summer. Wouldn't it be nice if all summer jobs paid the same amount of money? That would alleviate so many problems. But that isn't the case and I'm left to chose between three great jobs and three very different locations. Hey, it's all good though...God's got it under control. He always does. If there's one thing that I've learned (this year particularly) it's that your plan isn't necessarily God's plan and he'll make sure you know that sooner or later.

So, what do you do when you realize that you've just spent two years at a school that doesn't have the major you really need? Do you stay at the school and make due or do you transfer? Any thoughts??

Alright, enough incoherent thoughts from this girl tonight. Theatre midterm studying is calling my name...

The Plunge

2005-02-14T11:07:00.000+09:00

I promised myself over and over that I would never partake in this blogging, xanga madness. Well, ladies and gents, I've caved in. Can't say there will be much substance here, but if you're looking for deep thoughts to intrigue your mind, personal contact is much better. So without further ado, my thoughts:

I just got back from the great city of Nashville, Tennessee. I was down there all weekend for the GMA Academy. Basically, I went to a bunch of seminars that taught me how to be a better musician/songwriter and what I need to do to "make it". The past three days have probably been the most beneficial in a long time. Driving 6 hours, staying the night in a motel, and attending seminars (all alone) really allowed me time to think. God taught me more in my moments of lonliness than I could've ever asked for. My life seems to have so much more direction now. I met some awesome people (producers, artists, A&R reps) and my CD got the exposure that it needed. I take comfort knowing that it's all in God's hands. I am merely the clay waiting to be molded. On the lighter side, chillaxin' in Nashville with some amazing friends (Jen, Tom, Angela, Bethany, and Matt) wasn't too shabby either. (Margaret, wish you could've been there, having fun in France? Wally says hey)

But reality is a very hard wall to hit and it came in the form of IWU. I love the school and everyone here, but part of my heart still lies in Nashville, where the music never dies and dreams can be found around every corner. Until we meet again...